My mind’s a bit of a muddle at the moment. You know, when you have a whole lot going on in it and you can’t quite focus on any one thing? Today I decided to do pretty much nothing besides lay on my bed and concentrate on Netflix. There’s no real thinking involved in watching Netflix, you choose something, click play, and zone in to it and out from everything else. And now, I feel guilty for having wasted a few hours. I don’t like days like this. Days where you’re counting down the hours until bedtime, so you can cross another day off your calendar with the hope that tomorrow you’re not again spending the day hoping it’s over quicker than the last. I guess I’m in a bit of a slump. It’s easy to be feeling good when things around you are good.
Dad’s started chemo again. His cancer is active again. It’s different this time though. He had a few months break off all medicine and chemo, which was great, he was quite well for a terminally ill person! The main cancer he has in located at the junction of the oesophagus and his stomach. He’s having trouble swallowing/eating now, so it wasn’t a shock after the prolonged treatment break that it had grown.
He couldn’t have the same chemotherapy as last time as the effects of the last lot are still causing him problems. He has neuropathy, which means his hands and feet are basically numb and tingly all the time. This new chemo gives him nausea day and night. He doesn’t much feel like eating or drinking because of that, and when he tries he generally ends up with hiccups that sound painful. Can only imagine how they feel. He has low energy and sleeps a lot. Losing weight again too. His mood is generally ok though, although you can tell he’s over it.
I’ve known this downhill slide was coming back. I’ve said to a few people I felt that his “well” period was akin to ‘the eye of the storm’, and I wasn’t wrong. Sometimes I’d like to be wrong.
This has all meant I’ve really had to step up in helping with the farm most days. That’s been ok, I’ve been learning a lot, and having some decision making responsibilities has helped with my confidence. Lately it’s been me going to the house, getting the list of things that need to be done from Dad, and going off to do them whilst he rests. He doesn’t like being fussed over, so it works well. I can keep an eye on him whilst Mum is at work and get what needs to be done around the place, done.
Today I just needed a break from it all. So, today I took one. I figure a day of feeling guilty for wasting time, every now and then, has got to be better than the emotion explosion that I feel is imminent. Oh well.