Decisions.

I haven’t updated this in a while! 

So my Dad had his fourth round of chemo on the 14th of March! He wasn’t feeling well when he went to have it, they gave him an X-ray to make sure he didn’t have pneumonia – he didn’t thankfully. His white blood cell count has been great the whole way through. It seems to be a vicious cycle; he’ll feel ok, then he’ll get nauseous, he won’t eat, he’ll have diarrhoea and dry retch often (sorry TMI), he’ll be awfully depressed, those symptoms go away and he goes back to being ok; that’s the pattern thus far. He has stopped taking his Xeloda chemo tablets, which he is supposed to take 3 tablets twice a day in between chemo treatments (3 weekly). 

I took him to get a bone scan and CT scan last week so they can check his progress. He confessed to me in a depressed moment he hopes the scans come back saying his body is riddled with cancer so he can give the chemotherapy away without feeling guilty or have people think he’s weak. I told him; screw what anyone thinks, if you want to stop it then stop it. Having already stopped the chemo tablets I think quitting chemo altogether is imminent, his next round is scheduled for the 4th April. The results of these scans will impact his decision; if there’s no positiveness it’s a definite end of chemo. We also don’t know what the consequences are of stopping the tablets. I guess when you know you’re going through all this toxicity and the end result is going to be the same as if you didn’t I imagine it would be hard not to have a “why bother” attitude at times. 

He’s aged 10 years in three months looks wise. He’s lost nearly 20kgs too. And him and I are getting along the best we ever have, which is kind of bitter sweet. I’ve put my hand up to take over the farm from him. I didn’t really think it through when I suggested it, but he gave me books to read about holistic farm management, which is really interesting, and we’ve been out in the paddocks working together – whether it happens or not it’s been nice to work with him and learn from him. He seems to have confidence in me, I’ll need to dig deep and find that confidence in myself to go ahead with this.

The farm is 4000 acres, which runs cattle on a rotational grazing system using electric fencing. 

I can’t factor grief into this decision as I’m not sure how it’ll affect me. But I can’t think of a better place to curse the world about how unfair this all is than in the middle of a paddock with no one in earshot for kilometres. I also have my son and his grief to consider, and my Mum’s, and my immediate family’s – so much to think about, with no way of knowing answers and a brain that will think about it regardless of whether I want to or not. #Aspielife

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This entry was published on March 26, 2017 at 6:22 PM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “Decisions.

  1. This field was intentionally left blank on said:

    With every post you write, ever since I found your blog, I’ve been amazed and in awe of your strength and clear discernment 💙. I find myself thinking about you a lot, probably daily. Hoping you’re doing well. Sending you lots of positive thoughts. And of course, I won’t stop 😊. Sending you encouraging and comforting vibes, girl 💞💞

    Like

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