A pattern I have noticed about myself has emerged; I don’t do slow. You want to go shopping with me? Great, I know what I want, where it is – I’m in and out. You want to get to know me? Great, ask me everything, skip the small talk – lets get deep. You think you’d like a relationship with me? Great, I need to be doing things constantly, I need to be stimulated and pushed – or I get bored. I want to study something – great, if it’s interesting it becomes my latest obsession, if it’s not interesting I get bored. But if it takes too long to complete – I’m done. If I had completed all of my University degrees by now I should be a sociologist/town planner/lawyer. I’m qualified in being unqualified.
Not enough stimulation? Boredom.
Too much stimulation? Overwhelm.
It’s about the only dance I can successfully do with my metaphorical two left feet.
I’ve always considered myself a temporary person. Technically we all are, no one lives forever. But, temporary because I don’t seem to be able to sustain long-term or permanency. I’m constantly in a hurry to finish things – conversations, books, basically anything I’m not sure as to what the ending will be.
When I am bored I create chaos. My mind has nothing to do, so it finds something to ruminate on. I can’t just sit. I can’t distract my brain with my brain. Boredom to me is like a mosquito bite. I can’t ‘leave it alone’, I have to scratch it to get rid of the feeling. Oh and does scratching it feel good! But when you scratch it too long, it bleeds, then it hurts. The problem is; I’m usually scratching someone else to feel better. Boredom makes me antagonistic. Boredom makes me curious.
Settling is boring. Settling makes me feel stuck.
I get an idea in my head and the drive to act on it is consuming. I have to test it, I have to confirm if my idea is correct.
I am impulsive.
I am reactive.
Whilst I have always somewhat been like this, this seems to have gotten worse post diagnosis. 6 months in and I’m having trouble collecting my thoughts. Some days I genuinely feel like I am losing my mind – in my head anyway, I can function as ‘normal’ on the outside in the ‘real world’. I don’t know what’s going on. I know right now my stress levels are extremely high because I monitor that through the DAS test. My depression level is stable and my anxiety level is average.
I can’t let things go. I consider what I’ve lost in my life, and what I’m going to lose. I want to push everyone away and hold them all close at the same time. I’m inconsistent; my mind changes frequently. I can’t stop long enough to concentrate on figuring out how to successfully calm this shit down.
Why am I posting this? Because I think it’s better to put it out there than to bottle it up. Because someone might read this and go ‘yeah, that sounds like me!’ and point me in the right direction. And because sometimes I think it’s good to be vulnerable and imperfect and write it all down. I know people say to keep a journal – it’s not my thing. I don’t mind sharing my problems every now and then. And when my mind settles it’s silly self down I can look at this and other posts like it and find the pattern that I currently seem to be missing.