I don’t understand people. I’ve said it before and I’ll no doubt continue to say it for the rest of my life.
Here’s a list for the moment;
1. When someone breaks your trust you’re supposed to stay loyal to them anyway and keep their secrets. Why?
2. When someone lies about you, causes drama and then is nice to you – you’re supposed to be the bigger person and be nice back. Why?
3. When someone uses you and then discards you, you’re supposed to get over it and move on. Why?
4. You’re supposed to be nice to people you don’t like. Why?
5. When someone cheats on you you’re supposed to get over it and move on. Why?
6. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Why?
7. Treat others how you want to be treated, but don’t treat others how they treat you. Why?
8. Let others make their own mistakes in life e.g. bad relationships. Why?
9. Why do you have to ‘be the bigger person’ when you’re the one who got hurt?
I do not get satisfaction in hurting others, and I can’t recall a time I’ve ever done it without it being in retaliation. Even then, it may take a couple of hours or days depending on the circumstances, guilt wraps itself around me and makes me feel rotten to the core. I confess, or I apologise, or I try to make amends – usually all three. What gets to me is the fact I’m doing these things to/for someone who has originally hurt me. I feel guilty for hurting them after they’ve hurt me. This is not usually after a once off incident on their behalf but a pattern that’s emerged and I’ve had enough. I’ve also at some point called them on their behaviour, given them time to confess/apologise/make amends, if it continues then I react.
It often seems like, everyone else is allowed to degrade or humiliate or hurt you, but when you treat them the way they’ve treated you – you are the bad person, not them. When in fact, if they hadn’t treated you poorly in the first place you never would have even thought to hurt them. I know this has a lot to do with me reacting out of emotion rather than responding out of reason. I know when I am hurting I project it away from myself, but why should I sit there and be hurt by another’s actions etc when it wasn’t provoked by me? It’s not fair, and I guess this is where my strong sense of justice/fairness comes into play. I don’t see any reason to maliciously hurt the people you care about – none. I believe there are right ways to go about things and wrong. For example, you’re in a relationship and you don’t want to be any more – the right way is to explain this to your partner and break up with them, the wrong way is to cheat on them and get them to break up with you. Some things seem so simple but people make them complex! People are dishonest and horrible not realising that the truth may hurt but at least it’s the truth.
I don’t know how often over the years I have smiled and laughed off words and actions that on the inside have caused me utter turmoil. I’ve pretended to be ok with things for the sake of keeping up appearances and waited until I was alone to crumble. Too often. People get offended that you’re offended by them offending you – what? I have appeased and appeased people in the past until I could take it no more – and I guess that’s half the problem, if you enable poor behaviour they think it’s ok to continue; you really do teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
I love sarcasm, it’s probably an adjective people would use to describe me; sarcastic. I’m very self-deprecative with it in a fun way and I also use it to have a joke with others about themselves. Not in a mean way. One time a friend, who is quite short and skinny in comparison to me, took offence to me commenting about her size and said so, I thought about what she had said, apologised for unintentionally hurting her feelings, and never made another joke about it. Isn’t that how it should be? If you hurt someone unintentionally then you apologise and don’t do it again? And if you continue the behaviour after you’ve been asked to stop then may the odds be ever in your favour as to the repercussions? Maturity probably is walking away, but then what? They do it to someone else. No lesson is learnt.
No one has blindfolded me, handed me a set of scales and a sword and pronounced me to be Lady Justice, but sometimes, when things are so obviously wrong/unfair/unjust, I wish they would. At least over my own life.