Fuck cancer.

 I imagine I’m really annoying when I get interested or invested enough in something and research the hell out of it. My Dad’s been diagnosed with cancer of the esophogus, so I’ve been dubbed “Doctor Google” by my family. I’ve researched the survival statistics, the causes, I’ve scoured medical webpages and case studies online, I’ve read message boards, survival stories and … well, the reality is of all the cancers, he hasn’t gotten a good one – not that any are good, but there’s only a couple that are worse. Simply because Eosophogeal cancer is not usually diagnosed until it is in somewhat of an advanced stage – but we’ll see.
I’ve found that being informed I guess I have a sort of morbid peace about it. I have friends and family praying for us and crossing their fingers and toes. I get it. But it pisses me off in a way. I’d just like to be able to talk freely and go “you know what? There’s a pretty good chance this cancer is advanced because this type of cancer is usually only found in the advanced stages and if you take into account the evidence and the fact the doctor has said he has a 50% chance of surviving 5 years if he is eligible for surgery then the odds really aren’t all that fantastic so…” I’d like to say that. But then I’d seem heartless. I’m anything but heartless. Holy shit I’ve cried about this, but there’s nothing I can do to cure him. I’m not a surgeon, miracle worker, scientist or god. All I can do is help out and try to make life easier for him at home, and that’s what I’m doing.
I get people care, I do. I’m grateful they do! But fuck me, I feel like I have to moddycoddle everyone in real life, especially my extended family. Like, I have to buffer the reality for them so they don’t feel bad. I don’t want my Dad to die!! – who does?! But either let me talk about things and process this the way I need to without interrupting with all the hopes and prayers and think positively and non-medical non-scientific shit or leave me alone. 
It’s an odd feeling, I don’t want to be alone but I absolutely do. I’d love to be in a house full of people, my family, but left alone. Knowing people are around who stay away unless I want to interact with them. People who I can sit in comfortable silences with. I think I’ve always kind of been like that with people really; interactions are on my terms. 
Oh and the hugs! I hate them, they’re not a source of comfort for me – never have been. The “your dad has cancer” hugs are even worse because they’re prolonged, and it’s just like being wrapped in arms of sadness and sympathy. Again, I get it. It’s lovely people care, but they make me feel worse, it’s like a transfer of emotion from them to me and it’s horrible. But, it’s what you do. You hug, and you reassure them that everything will be fine because apparently ignorance is bliss, and you try to make them feel better.
I know I am stressed because I know my physical symptoms of stress now; headaches, insomnia, snappy. But as for how I am feeling? I have no idea. And I get asked – a lot. And I wonder how I am supposed to be feeling? I answer ‘okay’ – but I’d answer that most days anyway. Now that I know he definitely has cancer, as I said above, I feel a morbid sense of peace – because that’s not unknown now. In a few days we’ll know the extent of the disease and treatment, or lack of, options. 
So this is how I’m dealing with it. Logically instead of emotionally – I think. For now. I’m worried about everyone around me; particularly my Mum. And also my son, whose best mate is his Poppy. That’s me being typical me, dealing with things the best way I know how – alone. Appreciating all the kind words on a screen and thankful to the ones who can offer them without invading my personal space. ✌️️

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This entry was published on December 13, 2016 at 10:02 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

7 thoughts on “Fuck cancer.

  1. This field was intentionally left blank on said:

    Oh Aimz, I’m so sorry. I can relate. Cancer sucks. Too much experience with it. I know I’m one of Those People who sent healing thoughts, yada yada, but I also wanted you to know that I’m also here for you if you want or need to talk, vent, rant, or anything. I have Skype on my computer at work now, and of course, you’re ALWAYS welcome to message me on Twitter or Facebook or whatever, whenever you want. I’m hoping for the best, and I’m here for you always.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh no, I was hoping this wasn’t going to offend anyone, definitely not about my gorgeous online community, just people (extended family) dismissing me with the “think positive” stuff etc. Thank you, I really do appreciate that ❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      • This field was intentionally left blank on said:

        Awww you are too kind, girl. Nope, no offense taken at all 😊 Bad phrasing on my part ❤️ I hope I didn’t inadvertently worry you 💐 I totally feel you, though – there are so many people who just say something trite in passing and you can tell that their effort is probably more for their conscience and their comfort than it is for yours. Those people can be fatiguing and annoying at times! That’s awesome that you use your blog as an outlet, and I’m so grateful to you for sharing your thoughts. I want to say that as you probably know, I’m in somewhat of a similar situation, although it’s different. My heart goes out to you, and I offer you my hand to hold onto whenever–and I mean *whenever* you need/want it 💞

        Like

  2. Good grief, Aimz. What an utterly horrible, hideous situation for you. A few people I know are going through some very similar shit at the moment. Cancer is a fucking bastard. Feel free to get in touch with me at any time if you need to, my dear x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh s**t, Aimez…
    I wish I could say anything sympathetic, but it might do things worse.
    And by the way, logic’s good, logic’s OK, you’re OK.
    There’s nothing else in your power.
    All that matters is You, and what matters for You.
    Take care.
    Moshe

    Liked by 1 person

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