As one of my lovely Twitter friends said to me “it’s amazing how much you don’t know you didn’t know” until you get diagnosed. So I’ve been doing some thinking about my life – as I do. I’m only just realising the mental and emotional baggage I carry around with me; I am lugging one massive metaphorical suitcase around let me tell you! This suitcase never seems to close. It’s either spilling out or I’m stuffing more into it.
Closure is defined by Wikipedia as; “Closure or need for closure (NFC) (used interchangeably with need for cognitive closure (NFCC)) are psychological terms that describe an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity. The term “need” denotes a motivated tendency to seek out information.”
I never seem to obtain closure on things. I think it has something to do with my mind always seeking answers, which leads to more questions, more answers, more questions – it doesn’t really end. I definitely have an aversion for ambiguity! And I wonder if this is why I struggle with trust. I can certainly see the relationship between it and the black and white thinking style.
I wonder what it feels like to be able to accept an answer as is without wanting (needing) to know more? It’s like, I can’t understand it or it doesn’t fit in with my expectation so I can’t accept it as an answer – so try again. Apparently I was like this as a child – a truth seeker – making my parents explain things to me until I understood.
I’ve had people abuse my trust in the worst ways over the years. But it never hurts so badly as when it comes from someone you love. I really struggle with this. I can acknowledge that love is imperfect and messy, and people make mistakes. Deception just eats at me. I realise I expect from others what I expect from myself, but realistically I think I expect more from them.
I’m so driven by “right” and “wrong” so it’s really no wonder I struggle to get closure. It’s self-righteous really and I’ve certainly had plenty of negative self-fulfilling prophecies fulfilled due to this mindset. I hold on to the “wrongs” people have done and seem to use them against them when it suits me in an argument. Seem to. It’s childish and I wonder where I learnt it from? When did I learn to keep filling my suitcase with all the wrongs? I’m not a saint by any means. So why do I carry this baggage of everyone’s misdemeanours? I think it’s a really unhealthy form of protection.
I don’t like negative emotions, who does? I find them really hard to deal with. I find it hard to label them and I find it hard to know I even have them until they’re full on – there doesn’t seem to be much of a build-up that I’m aware of (of course there is, as I said – aware of). So I think this suitcase I carry is a sort of subconscious weapon, if you like. My Mum has told me for years that my words are my greatest weapon, she’s not wrong. I can be brutal if I feel I am being attacked. It’s so immature – hurting someone back who has hurt you. As Ghandi said “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”.
It’s an unconscious choice carrying this baggage that I’ve now become conscious of. It’s uncomfortable to recognise. That suitcase is heavy. It’s full of negativity and hurtful things. In the words of Dr Phil; “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”. So, I will try. What I do know is that I need to forgive myself for not knowing at the time what I learnt in hindsight. I need to start unpacking and lightening my load. And I really need to get rid of the perfectionism and start loving myself properly – because how can anyone else love me like I need to be loved if I don’t know how to do it myself?
The mind wonders and wanders on.. ❤️