Quarter of a Year in.

It’s been a big 3 months, well 5 months, but 3 since I got assessed as Level 1 ASD according to the DSM-V. 

What have I learnt? Lots and nothing. How do I feel? Everything and nothing. How has my life changed? In every way and not at all. 
I was so passionate to learn all I could about Autism and myself, and as per usual, my passion burns out. I read about the stereotypical Autistics who have “obsessions“, I’ve yet to find one that ‘sticks’. I get intensely interested for a period of time, then I’m done. This blog is a good example of that!

It’s almost unnerving at times realising that some things aren’t things everyone does. Memories as an example; I didn’t know not everyone can remember events so vividly. I didn’t know not everyone can’t block out background noise. 

I didn’t know so many things because they’re not things that come up in general conversation! I’ve never asked people how they think, etc. It’s almost amusing how I can coast through life for 29 years thinking something’s not quite right but never quite being able to put your finger on what that something is. 

  • I’ve learnt that my lack of Theory of Mind wreaks havoc in my life. 
  • I realise why I study people and have all my life. 
  • I realise why, coupled with emotional underdevelopment, I can regress to a childlike state when things don’t go the way I expected in the moment. 
  • I’ve realised that I embarrass myself more than anyone else can. 
  • I’ve realised I’m stubbornly ‘right‘, when my mind is set on something I struggle to to change it. I’ve usually thought something through so thoroughly that arguing with me is often pointless because I have a counter for everything. 
  • I’ve realised I’m really good at jumping to conclusions based upon behavioural patterns I have perceived as patterns. Key words being; “I have perceived“.
  • I’ve realised just how intense my emotions are and how they can burn out just as quickly. 
  • I’ve realised sadness is an emotion that sits least well with me. To the point, I will flip a switch and turn it to anger as quickly as I can, because anger fades quicker than sadness.
  • I’ve realised my baseline emotion is ‘ok‘. 
  • I’ve realised that it can take a few days to process events, that I can be angry a few days after something happens and seemingly fine at the time. Which often doesn’t make sense to me; why my emotions are delayed.

I’ve realised lots of things! This is my experience. It really is true if you’ve met one Autistic, you’ve met one Autistic…

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This entry was published on October 31, 2016 at 7:02 PM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

13 thoughts on “Quarter of a Year in.

  1. That’s good!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hear you there loud and clear, a lot of us do. A lot of us could say ‘Ditto’ to what you have written. Personally, I think the important thing is that all these others are here online, (some are prolific writers whilst others are not, but instead keep a lot inside) and can be turned to when we need it.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. This field was intentionally left blank on said:

    Yes! What Tim said. You’re totally not alone. I could have written a lot of this post (except that you did it better lol). It’s kind of a conundrum, because on one hand, everything changed so fast for you, in terms of your discovery and diagnosis process and all the research and learning curve you found yourself faced with (and acting on). And yet, on the other hand, at the end of the day, nothing changed; you’re still the same person you were before.

    That’s a lot to process. That’s a lot to reconcile in your mind. That’s a lot to systemize. 😊

    Thank you for writing about this; it’s a huge relief for the lot of us experiencing similar thoughts, but not being able to put our fingers on them quite as succinctly. You did a fantastic job!

    Did writing this out help *you*, too? (I hope it did in some way.) ❀️

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks SW, you have to know that I learn A LOT from your blogs and I appreciate that you write them!
      Unfortunately the world doesn’t stop so we can take all this knowledge in and process it in the time we need, one day life will stop being so hectic (retirement age I think? Lol)!
      It always helps to see it written down, I know a lot of other blog writers write drafts and edit them etc, I write what’s in my head and post it straight away lol, I have impulse issues I have also realised, very ‘now or never’ – another thing to work on, one day! Glad you can relate, always makes me feel reassured I’m not alone 😊❀️❀️

      Liked by 3 people

      • This field was intentionally left blank on said:

        Thanks, luv! 😊 I learn a whole lot from yours also ❀️

        Liked by 2 people

      • This field was intentionally left blank on said:

        And what you said is so true – the world just keeps on going. Sometimes I wish I could just press a big “pause” button lol 😊

        Nope, you’re never alone ❀️

        Liked by 3 people

      • Really great to read your words expressing what I feel, think etc but it doesn’t slow down when older/retired … the hectic bit…. can be that it becomes more so expecting more from self than energy permits.
        That delayed in emotionally registering I find difficult… caught up in the experience of ” now’ that i lack the perspective to “see” it all for what it is until it becomes what it ‘ was” …. leaving me impotent in a way regarding addressing the difficulty.

        Running perpetually after my own tail ….. catching up … your list of realisations rings so true for me too … Anger wasn’t permitted in my childhood so I guess I turned it into guilt or shame … now I can speak out when feeling aggrieved but that is a steep learning curve when dealing with NTs….. foot in mouth disease because I say it how I find it and that is frequently a NO, NO.
        A never-ending learning process …….Life! i hope i don’t stop breaking self boundaries….

        Liked by 2 people

  4. You speak truth, and that’s a massive part of starting to deal with it. Realising where your difficulties lie and fronting up to them is a hard thing to do. It’s a sign of strength, not a symbolism of weakness. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. “Which often doesn’t make sense to me; why my emotions are delayed.”
    “To the point, I will flip a switch and turn it to anger as quickly as I can, because anger fades quicker than sadness.”

    You just summed up my life in two phrases.

    I don’t get it, either, and worse yet, people think I’m not trustworthy because they think I’m constantly changing my mind about a certain topic.

    Liked by 2 people

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