Is “blah” a feeling? Because that sums me up. I had a big weekend. Actually it was a big long weekend. So this blog post may be all over the place, but it’s an accurate reflection of where I’m at.
You know what I dislike about relationships? The ending. When you’re in one, you create memories with someone, some good and some bad. Depending on how the breakup went will depend on how things affect you afterwards. I’m an easily triggered person. A landmark, a song, a word – it’ll replay a memory in my mind and the feelings I felt at the time are as if it’s happening again. If it’s a happy memory it’ll trigger anger or sadness more often than not. Anger and sadness over loss. If it’s an unhappy memory it’ll trigger anger and sadness too. Years ago a particularly nasty boyfriend I had drove a v8 ute – and for months after we split, although he lived 6 hours away, that sound of the engine from a random v8 driving past my house would ramp my anxiety up through the roof. I guess this is the burden of being hypersensitive and having a fantastic long term memory, I can replay things in my mind like I’m watching a movie. Something that happened a year ago can feel like it happened yesterday. I can’t turn this off, but oh how I wish I could. I had big triggering moments all weekend. I understand why some Autistics isolate themselves; God do I understand.
My son met his father, which was great for the 2 hours that it happened. Unfortunately his father then decided to ask us to visit the next day and the Monday too, in front of my son – then bailed, both times. Not only bailed but I had to chase him up to see what was happening – I mean, really?! I was open with him, I told him what I needed from him communication wise and he still let us down. He hasn’t changed a bit – beer and his mates to him are his priority. Wish I had known that was still the case before I had to wipe away my son’s tears at not being able to see his Dad again that weekend. So, my theory is people don’t change. They’ll tell you they have or will, but they don’t really. They revert back to crappy behaviour eventually. If someone shows you who they are believe them. I know, I know, one bad experience and I’m ready to throw everyone under the bus? Well, it’s not just one bad experience – it’s just the latest.
But maybe, people changing – or not – is not the point. Maybe the point is to find out what you will and won’t tolerate – keep the people in your life who are tolerable and kick the rest to the kerb. I don’t know if it’s my Autism or just ‘me’ but I find I am intolerant of a lot of things. Humans make mistakes – I get it. I’m not perfect. But I can’t help but wonder how people turn out like they do, or I wonder if it’s how they were raised. So many people lack common couresty and manners it astounds me!
I’m very disappointed and flat at the moment. I don’t understand people, and I’m starting to see just how high that level of not being able to understand is. F**k.