Hers and His AS traits 

TW: Mention of Sexual Assault

I was going back through my “Notes” section on my phone, and found the below list of “my flaws” written back in May. This list came about because I believed my ex boyfriend had Aspergers traits and I wrote him out a huge list of all the traits/quirks he has to give to the psychatrist he was going to see – now, he didn’t take it too well reading the list about himself, matter of fact he took it quite badly and responded something like “may as well end it now and do everyone a favour”. So, in my attempt to make him feel “better” I wrote a list all about myself to show that I had just as many issues so he wasn’t alone. This list actually signified the start of my journey to diagnosis of myself, some I added in after I sent the email to him and printed it off to give to the doctor for a referral. 3.5 months later the list actually makes me smile to read it, because I have an answer now. But I thought I’d share it here, maybe it’ll help someone else? I’ll also share the list I wrote for him being a male on the spectrum for the same reason (although, I’ll have to edit out some personal details here and there). No, not all Aspies are the same, these are personal lists that may be relatable.

HERS LIST 


  • * Childhood with a critical loving father, loving and caring mother. Held to a higher standard at primary school than others due to father being president of the P&C and heavily involved in the community, sometimes made an example out of/embarrassed by principal. Have always “stood out” due to height and size but have always tried to blend in by “liking” what others liked e.g. Gendered toys such as Barbies. Always been intellectually advanced and was reading/spelling a couple of years above my age. Ridiculed/misunderstood by father for my social anxieties as a kid/teen/adult. Sexually assaulted/taken advantage of as a child/teen/adult – huge mistrust in men. But find myself drawn to males as friends as they have less “drama” and are more straight forward than females generally, I’ve always been more of a “tomboy” than “girly girl”. 
  • * Was never a cuddly or affectionate child. Still do not like to be touched unless I want to be, I find it uncomfortable greeting people with a hug etc but that’s what you’re supposed to do. Hate being poked, tickled, massaged etc.
  • * Suspicious of people’s hidden motives, finds it hard to trust people and what they say. Is it their opinion or fact?
  • * Impatient, tends to want to rush into things too quickly if enjoyable.
  • * Can sometimes be hyperactive and child like, bouncing around in a great mood.
  • * Procrastinates, puts off things she doesn’t want to do until the last minute. 
  • * Uses passive and aggressive communication. Sometimes both at the same time. Expects others to read my mind, thinking I’m making what I want/need obvious without asking.
  • * Over empathises with people and their situations, wants to help but often gets too emotionally involved. More sympathetic than empathetic really. Feels stuck.
  • * Absorbs others’ emotions and often do not know how to release them.
  • * Finds it hard to set and reinforce boundaries with people. Find it very hard to say “no”.
  • * Gets passionate about subjects then gets bored with it. Multiple unfinished degrees.
  • * Gets uncomfortable if guests overstay their welcome (can be an hour! Depends how I feel), usually friends, prefer not to have strangers in my house, but don’t know how to ask them to leave without upsetting them so say nothing.
  • * Gets overwhelmed easily when stressed. 
  • * Not sure of her place in the world. Often feels very unsettled. Randomly has suicidal thoughts, not depressing ones or “how I’d do it” ones, just don’t have the sense of “belonging” and wonder how things would be if I wasn’t here.
  • * Finds patterns in words and numbers all the time. They give me a sense of odd satisfaction, especially symmetrical ones.
  • * I like pain, not in a sadistic way, but it makes me feel alive when I (accidentally!!) hurt myself and see blood. Pick my scabs and skin flakes, pick other people’s too!
  • * Listen intently to people’s stories, if they tell the same story again and change details I notice. I have a great memory of conversations had, can recall details others forgot, but often walks into a room and forget why I’m there.
  • * Don’t understand why people exaggerate.
  • * Traces around walls/rooms with my eyes, when I try to stop it, I find I can’t until I’ve finished.
  • * Find difficulty keeping secrets, especially lies. Need to offload them to someone else
  • * Remember being accused of flirting by “friends”, I didn’t even know what that meant, I felt I was just being myself.
  • * The thought of relationships as a kid/teen made me uneasy. I rebuffed all offers. When I was interested in someone as an early adult they would often lose interest after a while because I was “overly critical” of them, it wasn’t intentional to hurt their feelings, so I learnt to be agreeable even though my head would be frustrated. I became agreeable to the point it would boil over and what I really thought would come out and ruin things because essentially I’d been “lying” or “fake” and I couldn’t stand it anymore.
  • * Rarely talk “for the sake of talking”. Happily sit in silence with someone. Hate small talk that leads nowhere. Hate listening to people talk and talk about something I have no interest in, I tune out.
  • * Finds it hard to know when it’s my turn to speak, often butt in and change the topic to something about myself or what interests me if what the other person is saying bores me or I already know it.
  • * Often quotes people like Dr PHIL or from articles I’ve read when giving people advice. I’m often come to for advice because I tell it as it is, but I’ve researched the situation before hence why I have “good advice”.
  • * Don’t understand the female stereotype of enjoying shopping. Why buy things you don’t need or will never wear? 
  • * Hate crowds. They make me anxious. Often blur people’s faces out so I avoid eye contact with anyone so I am not forced into greeting them either verbally or with a facial expression e.g. Smile.
  • * Sydney and cities scare me – too loud and fast paced. Hate public transport, makes me anxious e.g. What if I don’t get off at the right spot etc?
  • * Loves to know details of trips etc, often plan them on paper, routes, things to see.
  • * Can’t adapt well to last minute changes of plans. Throws out my whole day because I’d been prepared for something and now it’s changed.
  • * Find it hard not to stare at times. Sometimes zone out and don’t realise I’m doing it.
  • * If I’m focused on doing something I get very frustrated if disturbed. Usually cannot just pick it back up and continue going afterwards.
  • * Have great ideas, but have issues starting or finishing projects.
  • * When people say things movie quotes and song lyrics related to what they said often pop in my head, sometimes I blurt them out and laugh.
  • * Find it hard to follow verbal instructions, often need them to be repeated or written down. Find it hard to follow more than one at one time.
  • * Mum said I was a literal learner as a child, A was A, not A is for Apple, etc.
  • * Can sing in tune (I think) but cannot tap along with a rhythm to save myself.
  • * Can meet children’s emotional needs but am certainly not a “fun” parent. Kids make me anxious at times as there’s no telling what they will come out with. Screaming/screeching hurts my ears, sometimes I have to yell/explode then it stops and everything is calm again.
  • * It’s been commented to me by friends that I often repeat stories.
  • * Hates disappointing others, and will go along with things she doesn’t want to do so as not to let them down.
  • * I love lists.
  • * Prefers to listen in group conversations rather than contribute. 
  • * I don’t like “teamwork” incase someone does something the “wrong” way. Prefer to do it all myself or not at all. Although do enjoy doing things with/for others. I like to be helpful.
  • * Chronic over thinker. Has trouble quietening her mind at times. Thinks about things from all sides to be prepared for any outcome and gets frustrated when blindsided. 
  • * Tries to treat others how she would want to be treated in situations, and feels let down/frustrated when it’s not reciprocated.
  • * Flight or fight response often engaged. Prone to anxiety and depression, have been diagnosed.
  • * Has trouble expressing herself verbally, would rather write it down. Enjoys expressing herself through social media. Uses “quotes” written by others as self-expression, feels comfort from them because someone else has summarised how she feels in a simplistic way. Or they express how I would like to be.
  • * Uses sarcasm as a defence mechanism at times. Enjoys making people laugh. Grown up with sarcastic relatives.
  • * Hates being misunderstood, often to the point she will over explain herself and get frustrated when still not understood.
  • * Hates rude, disrespectful, racist, sexist etc behaviour. Especially in public! 
  • * Would eat an unsatisfactory meal rather than complain about it.
  • * Don’t like animals. Their fur in particular, have to wash my hands if I touch one, I like the softness of it just think it’s dirty. Makes me feel sick thinking about them licking me. Dogs jumping and barking – nothing worse. But do not like cruelty to animals in any form.
  • * Social anxieties has stopped her from participating in and trying new things. Has a need to feel “safe” and feels safest at home and/or with family. (Going to the local pool in swimmers and Wet n Wild were actually huge deals for me! But the experiences made me feel happy and excited because I “did it”!)
  • * Would rather deal with her issues on her own than feel like a burden to anyone else, but happy to listen to others’ problems.
  • * Very impulsive at times, especially when emotional, reacts quickly when hurt or criticised, often regretful later. 
  • * Very perceptive of changes in others’ moods and behaviour, often takes it personally.
  • * Tries to come across as “tough” but is really quite sensitive. Too sensitive. 
  • * Doesn’t know how to take/respond to compliments. Often believes others are lying or have a hidden agenda when giving them. They make me uncomfortable, as does receiving gifts, I worry that I don’t “look” grateful/happy enough on my face and the person will be unintentionally offended.
  • * Poor self image at times and good at others. Cannot see herself as others do. Very self conscious especially around people she doesn’t know. Assume they’re judging her.
  • * Has a fascination with others’ behaviours. Reads a lot of academic articles and watches a lot of reality tv shows. Wants to understand herself and why she feels/thinks the way she does. Does a lot of research.
  • * Hates surprises. Makes her feel uncomfortable “not knowing” or being able to prepare how to “act”.
  • * Does not like to ask for things/rely on people.
  • * Prefers not to have a “passion” because feels vulnerable to criticism.
  • * Often blames herself for the way she is treated by others. 
  • * Over analyses people/situations/herself.
  • * Finds it very hard to understand maths (even simple equations), science and mechanics – it doesn’t “stick” like other subjects such as English, sociology, geography, history.
  • * Enjoys but feels embarrassed by praise.
  • * Avoids situations that she feels she could be embarrassed in, e.g. Would never do karaoke, doesn’t like dress-up parties.
  • * Feels that alcohol gives her a self-confidence that she doesn’t have sober, often with detrimental outcomes e.g. Fighting/arguing. Binge drinks over social drinking. Very social whilst drunk.
  • * Has trouble sleeping/staying asleep. Most productive late at night, had urges to clean/study.
  • * If I perceive I’m going to be abandoned/left I will leave first, often my perception is wrong in hindsight.
  • * Often feel “childlike”, that other adults have a better grasp on adulthood than I do. I like to have control but often feel the need to have others validate my decisions.
  • * Reads novels often to escape thinking. It’s good to read others’ thoughts, takes away the guesswork.
  • * Enjoys learning how to do things so as to be independent from needing other people to help – specifically males e.g. changing car tyre, fixing leaking tap.
  • * Does not feel comfortable being vulnerable or having others’ know her secrets. Fears having personal knowledge used against her as a way to hurt her. Very guarded.
  • * Hates being made out to look like an idiot/being made fun of/embarrassed.
  • * Finds it easy to pick others’ flaws and also her own. 
  • * Finds the concept of “faith” very hard to implement/understand. Theology fascinates me but I don’t feel like I can “believe” in “God” without proof He/She exists, but I enjoy trying to understand why/how other people do.
  • * Can’t stand seeing words that should be capitalised, uncapitalised. e.g. my name.
  • * Finds it hard to not respond to people one way or another. Will respond rather than ignore.
  • * Can intentionally hurt people through sarcasm or twisting their words when upset/angry.
  • * Doesn’t understand how/why people hurt others for their own selfish reasons e.g. Cheating.
  • * Loves being creative and artistic, but finds it hard to find inspiration at times.
  • * I don’t know when I’m making too much eye contact or not enough, I feel like I have to force myself to look people in the eye, then wonder if I’m looking at them too much/not enough. Tend to look at them but focus my eyes past them.
  • * Prefer to have subtitles on whilst watching movies and get annoyed when they don’t match as I’m listening and reading at the same time.
  • * I enjoy eating frozen peas, corn and chicken nuggets.
  • * Hearing people eating or drinking, even with their mouths closed, irritates me.
  • * Smells remind me of things.
  • * Can’t stand eating food with bones or seeds in it, the thought of crunching my teeth on them gives me goosebumps and makes me feel sick.
  • * When stressed or anxious generally caused by over thinking and inability to break down the issue into manageable parts at the time, often catasrophises the situation, leading to an emotional/mental breakdown, crying, trying to hurt myself to feel “real” pain (sometimes, like scraping my knuckles on bricks) and when I “settle” I feel numb and exhausted. 
  • * Have trouble suppressing the urge to correct people, have learnt that people don’t like it but feel if they’re going to make statements etc they should have the correct information.
  • * Sensitive to birth control – can not take “the pill” or have implanon implant due to adverse side effect of depression.
  • * Perfectionist in some areas, attention to detail at work, enjoyed rearranging things such as the DVDs in alphabetical order.
  • * Finds it hard to make up “stories” to tell children, prefers reading books.
  • * I have difficulty reading clocks to tell the time, it takes a bit of concentration.
  • * I have poor hand-eye coordination, I am extremely clumsy. 
  • * Hates feeling jealous or insecure.
  • * Authority figures e.g. police make me extremely nervous although I’m not doing anything wrong.
  • * Finds spelling errors in novels/paperwork/newspapers and finds it frustrating that professionals can make such “obvious” mistakes. Often feel like sending them a letter but never do.
  • * I enjoy social media, it allows me to control what others think/know about me.
  • * Realises this is written in first and third person and is annoyed by it.



HIS LIST


  • * Inability to understand why my feelings were hurt by his actions/words because it wasn’t his intention to be hurtful, therefore how I felt was “wrong”.
  • * Inability to read between the lines in conversations, often takes things literally.
  • * Mindblind.
  • * Making inappropriate comments, without realising they were inappropriate.
  • * Has a need to be right, like arguing with a brick wall.
  • * Self/task focused/oriented.
  • * Lack of interest in sex. Would not initiate it.
  • * Flirtatious with other females via text/email correspondence, inability to be empathetic towards my feelings about it because he perceived it as innocent/friendly.
  • * Outbursts of anger, especially over kids arguing, snap back to happy self soon after, expecting kids to too. 
  • * High expectations of the children’s behaviour, over reactions to behaviour that didn’t meet these expectations.
  • * Uncomfortable around large crowds. E.G. Doesn’t like going to the pub/club.
  • * Gets frustrated when things aren’t done as he would do them. 
  • * Lacks empathy, when I was upset he’d leave me alone rather than comfort me with a hug etc.
  • * Does not adapt to change well, or feeling “not in control” of situations. Has to be in control.
  • * Often is taken advantage of because of his inability to say “no” to others, e.g. Lending his things to people. 
  • * Ability to get his own way, minimises others feelings/opinions.
  • * Desperately wants to be liked by everyone, but does not consider himself to have “friends”.
  • * Bites/chews his lip when concentrating.
  • * Repeats stories often. Goes on and on about the same thing.
  • * Has difficulty summarising stories.
  • * Articulately plans for trips etc.
  • * High expectations of people’s behaviour, holds a grudge.
  • * Does not take criticism well.
  • * No filter between head and mouth, is painfully honest at times, inability to understand that some things don’t need to be told/said to others, and he can come across as quite insensitive.
  • * When I’ve been upset/angry and he doesn’t know how to “fix” it, will often crack a joke etc which makes things worse – insensitive.
  • * Broken/thrown objects and bangs his fist when situations have overwhelmed him to the point of frustration.
  • * Gets frustrated with himself when he can’t verbalise how he’s feeling, smacks his forehead with his palms.
  • * Picks at his skin/scabs.
  • * Difficulty distinguishing between colours red/orange blue/green.
  • * Often has a black and white view of things/the world – it’s “right” or “wrong”. 
  • * Prefers to do things on his own rather than ask for help.
  • * Sees things he wants as more important than anyone else’s.
  • * Mixed up priorities. Kids first (as they should be), then cars, then work, then everyone else’s problems, then relationship. Inability to see the issue!
  • * Can be quite blunt and hurtful on purpose verbally.
  • * Blames others instead of taking responsibility for his behaviour. Apologies often were an opportunity to make out things were my fault.
  • * Lies to avoid negative consequences/reactions from partner. Lies to make himself look like the victim at times.
  • * Mood swings, can be hyperactive and happy to quiet and depressive.
  • * Body image issues.
  • * Highly intelligent, brilliant at making/inventing things, especially mechanical. Can give in depth information on how things work. < his special interest.
  • * large collection of VW Beetles and cars from his favourite movies. Immense knowledge on the subject of vehicles
  • * Jealous. I found I didn’t want to be “myself” around male friends so as not to provoke this emotion.
  • * Stickler for other people following rules, and gets angry when they don’t. 
  • * Often fails to read body language/facial expressions of children. Tries to make them “happy” by getting them to smile but misses the point of the child’s anger/frustration/sadness. 
  • * Gives logical advice when emotional support is needed.
  • * Often tells people what he thinks they want to hear, not understanding the consequences of this e.g. Can come across as caring for someone a lot more than he actually does.
  • * Gets frustrated when people can’t read his mind even though he’s given them vague instructions e.g. “Turn up at lunchtime”, in his mind lunchtime is a specific time and when guests don’t arrive at the time he thinks of as “lunchtime” he gets annoyed – never at them, but stews on it after they leave.
  • * Has trouble letting things go, especially if he perceives that he was wronged. Expects people to read his mind and apologise it. Holds a grudge over it.

So, this is a hers and his type blog I guess. It’s kind of amazing and sad how this all turned out. We broke up in March, these were written late May, he was diagnosed June, I was diagnosed July. 

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This entry was published on September 16, 2016 at 11:02 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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