I logged on to Facebook this morning and read the below post by Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love). It’s so lightbulbish (yes, I made that word up) that I felt the need to share.
I can’t stand lies; or liars. But do I tell lies myself? Sure. Am I a hypocrite? It would appear so. This Aspie can lie – myth busted!
If I’m going to lie (not white lies) there’s a reason for it; and it’s generally for their or my own protection. Withholding information from others generally protects me from the consequences e.g. Hurting someone and feeling awful because of it. And I didn’t consider that that is a form of control and manipulation. But it really is. Me deciding what’s best for someone else – that’s not fair at all. And I would be extremely angry to find out someone had made this decision for me – and I have been in the past when it has happened. Having my ability to make a decision based on ALL of the facts is taken away by someone else. Having things hidden from me on purpose IS the reason I have trust issues. HURT ME WITH THE TRUTH, DON’T LIE TO ME – I should practise what I preach. I hate being told things that affect others (gossip) or figuring things out that will affect others. I’m not exaggerating – I am extremely perceptive, obviously I now know that’s my Aspie power, on a good day I can link bits of information together quicker than an NT can find Wally or Waldo. (Always been Wally here in Oz, apparently he’s Waldo in other countries – bit of trivia for your day!) I’m far from arrogant, it’s just something I’ve always been able to do.
I’ve been on this mission lately to be open and honest. To speak my truth. To be real. On my blog I’ve been trying to do this. If you read all my posts from oldest to newest you’d be forgiven for thinking I am an inconsistent contradictive mess. I think it’s because I have a hard time separating fact from emotion. Although facts are facts regardless of anything, the way I relate to them, or think about them, or feel about them changes.
Fact: I am Autistic.
How do I feel about this? Today – I haven’t given it much thought about it. A few days ago? Awful. The day I got diagnosed? On top of the world happy! Doesn’t change the fact that I am Autistic regardless, does it?
My opinion changes about facts. Maybe that’s one of my biggest issues right now? My internal world and external world are clashing. Some facts I’m trying really hard to dismiss and ignore, others I’m trying really hard to eliminate my feelings about as much as they are demanding to be felt. I want my external and internal worlds to harmoniously co-exist, the more I try and control them both the more discombobulated I am becoming. But relinquish control? Ha! Leave myself at the mercy of the unknown?! Ha! Until I learn how to embrace the unknown as a part of life that can’t be controlled I guess I am going to keep finding myself on this rollercoaster.
(If you haven’t noticed yet, I often write these blogs like a diary entry, figuring out things as I go. Sometimes I find answers this way; sometimes more questions. This is my “working things out” part, my processing. It’s ok if you can’t follow it or make sense of it, I guess it’s a glimpse inside my head, but I’m putting it out there anyway!)