Identity struggle.

I was thinking I should delete my previous post because, well, embarrassing. But then I thought – no. 

No, because – it’s real. I have striven my whole life to be “perfect” and “right” and done everything I can to avoid embarrassment. Everything I can to hide and mask my issues. Kept silent on what goes on in my head. Prided myself on seemingly being able to handle everything myself with no effort; never letting the mental chaos show. 

Sure, my nearest and dearest have seen my meltdowns. Felt my wrath. Seen my shutdowns. Felt my disconnect. How could they understand? I didn’t even understand. 

So I wonder. I wonder if what I’m trying to do now that I have the answer of Autism – is figure out where I fit in as an Autistic. Realistically I haven’t changed; but slapping a label on myself doesn’t relieve me of the mental processing that I seem to be continuously looping through about it.

*Most* Autistics I have spoken to seem to have their shit together. Or they’re on track to having it together. Or do they? Have we all been conditioned so much that we need to hide the imperfect? I’m not calling anyone a liar, if anything, I’m jealous – I’ll be honest! Pure old jealousy. Jealous of having supportive partners, families and friends. Twitter and WordPress are amazing to know that I am not alone. But in real life I am alone. I do need help. But in this neurotypical world, I am an adult who should be able to handle things as an adult. As much as I can reframe failure on a good day it doesn’t lift me out of days like today.

How do I embrace an identity that’s hidden? I wrote a piece on the power of adult diagnosis a week and a half ago, and I believe what I wrote, but disclosure is bloody scary! Sure, I know why I do some of the things I do now, but what does that mean?! It’s not just Autism though, is it? It’s the comorbids. Some are manifestations from unhealthy coping techniques e.g. Depression. Diagnosed Autism doesn’t relieve me of these bastardisations of my mental health. Autism is my core but it’s been wrapped in layers and layers of coping mechanisms and compensations for years
Reminds me of this Shrek quote:

FEAR. Again. Always.

Please excuse the French but for fuck’s sake! 

Gentle on myself is something I am not. I expect more from and better of myself. I always have. I’m finding it hard to shift my identity from NT-passing people pleaser to my true identity of Autistic … well, what? What is my role now? What is my purpose? On good days I think I’ll change the world, on days like today the world is just overwhelming and I struggle to want to be a part of it. I fail to see the point. I don’t want to exist I want to live! Realistically I don’t have the financial capacity to get myself out of this hole at the moment, nor the external support, so today is depressing. Tomorrow I might have all the answers – there’s hope! But today, today is just – blah.

This entry was published on August 23, 2016 at 6:04 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

14 thoughts on “Identity struggle.

  1. katiereablog on said:

    This is such a powerful post. I am sorry you are feeling the way that you are. I hope you feel better soon! I am following you, I look forward to following your journey. Remember: you’ve got this!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. It’ s hard to say words about your post. It’s really full of things that I ‘ve seen in my friend too. It’s a never ending struggle, i think…
    A free hug in my thoughts…

    Liked by 2 people

    • It does seem to be never ending! I just write “in the moment” and usually feel a bit better afterwards 😊 I forget although Autistic my whole life, knowing this is still only recent lol gotta find my flow! Thank you xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sharing the vulnerabilities is scary. Love that you just do it anyway!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. If you can you might want to buy “Asperger’s Syndrome for Dummies” by Gina Gomez de la Cuesta, PhD and James Mason (no, not the actor lol). He is the editor of Asperger United magazine. It’s endorsed by The National Autistic Society and the doctor who diagnosed me also recommended it.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I absolutely do not have my shit together. And I’m in my 40s. But I figure that I’m starting again since finding out I’m autistic less than four months ago. Congratulating myself for getting this far and then figuring out yet another re-invention πŸ˜„. I’m kind of used to those. You probably are too!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Probably sounded like I was having a pity party for myself 😳 maybe I was a little bit – easier to see that after that particular mood (or is it a feeling? Or emotion? I have no idea!) has passed. I have issues with expectations of myself so that doesn’t do me any favours lol. “It’s all a process” I seem to be saying a lot lately (and forgetting that nearly at often), I’m so impatient lol 😬. I definitely need to start congratulating myself more and criticising myself less. Thanks for your comment ☺️❀️

      Liked by 3 people

  6. Hi,

    thanks for this post. I’ve been diagnosed 3 months ago, and even if I wasn’t able to stand the stress from passing anymore, the switch to great unknown of what being Aspie means is still difficult (impossible?) to manage. I don’t know where to start, what are the new rules, when to let go or not, … I guess it will stay this way for a few more months/years.

    It’s reassuring to read that others face (or have faced…) the same problems, to see words that describe what’s inside me. So thank you for this post and for your blog. Take care during the hard days.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey there, thanks for your comment, it’s reassuring for me to read it’s not just me too! I think we just have to make it up as we go and hope for the best – which, with an Aspie brain, is really hard to do. I need answers and purpose and I struggle some days to find either, most days to be honest. I’m 1 month past diagnosis, it’s hard to shed 29 years worth of NT training, but it’s all part of the process from others I’ve spoken too, and yep, can take months or years!
      You take care too 😊😊

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This field was intentionally left blank on said:

    I agree! I’m trying to get my shit together, but I don’t have it together yet. I admire your courage and your honesty. It takes a lot (for anyone) to admit their shortcomings, but we all have them, so as embarrassing as it may be, you don’t have to be embarrassed because I think having shortcomings is a natural (although annoying) part of the human condition. Big hug if you’d like one ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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