My brain is fighting with itself. You know those cartoons and movies where the character has a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other? They compete to give the character the opposite advice of the other? That’s what’s going on in my head – minus the visual hallucinations.
I can’t focus on anything in particular, and if I manage to for a short period, it doesn’t take long to be distracted.
Attention, Distraction and the War in our Brain is a TED Talk I discovered when I googled “Brain wars” – because that’s what it feels like. (Admittedly I found what I watched interesting, but his accent made it hard to concentrate after a while and then I started thinking about France and on my little train of thought rolled to completely irrelevant subjects). I have too many things competing for attention that I can’t single them out, let alone prioritise them. Factor in my Aspie super observant powers and you could be forgiven for thinking I’m part zombie at the moment. Too. Much. Input.
Self-care is so important – I know this. Eliminating toxic people out of my life is a given – but what happens if the toxic one is me? Do I eliminate myself out of people’s lives – whose lives I want to be a part of? Burn my bridge with them to keep them safe? A family member listed manipulative on a description of me that I gave to my ASD assessor, my assessor’s response to this was “you can’t be manipulative if you’re not intelligent”. The thing is, I don’t know what I want/need, I think I do at times but I don’t have the emotional capacity to ask (yes, I can talk, but what I mean by that is that asking is not as simple as just asking. Anxiety(?) will shut the process down because there are too many variables in terms of response – theirs then mine). So, it seems that I manipulate situations to get what I want – it’s passive-aggressiveness at its finest (worst). What do I believe drives manipulative behaviour? Fear.
Basically, it seems, I’m scared of everything! This is where all of my issues seem to originate! But what the *beep* does that mean? I can’t even focus enough to connect the dots today. Ugh.
In terms of diagnosis on the Autism Spectrum I am “Level 1” – or mild in severity.
Source DSM-V Diagnostic Criteria
The problem with these levels are days like today. Because today my Restricted, Repetitive, Behaviours look more like level 2 or maybe even level 3. Distress and/or difficulty changing focus or action. I am distressed by this – I’m not sure if I am greatly distressed by this presently. But it’s certainly not at Level 1.
This blog post is all over the place, and I’m leaving it like it, because it’s an accurate reflection of today. I don’t even remember where I was going with this post to be honest! 😩😬🤔😔😐😠😕☹️