Dis – Connection.

I have told a few people about my diagnosis now, I haven’t broken it to the world (besides my Twitter community), just family and a few of close friends.

My family’s response? “We love you” – awesome, I still have the same genes as you guys, I didn’t think Aspergers would equate to a loss of love!

My friend’s responses? “What can you do about it?” – sorry, didn’t you just hear me say I’m neurologically wired differently to you?

Only one person has asked how I felt about my diagnosis; a fellow Aspie. ONE out of at least thirty I’ve told. One.

 
I’m not sure if it’s an Aspie, NT or general human thing, but I judge peoples’ reactions/responses to me based upon what I would do if I were them in the same situation. This has always led to disappointment – maybe I idealise myself a bit? Plus, I do have insider information on the reaction/response from others I want/need.

In the past, if others needed something from me they’d tell me, or I’d ask what they needed so I could support etc them in the way they needed – I realise I have never actually instinctively known, matter of fact I’ve usually researched my heart out and observed behaviour over the years in an attempt to compensate for this lack of instinctivity (what a revelation).

 

I’ve leant to do things for myself, I’ve learnt people are disappointing and don’t get it “right” (to my satisfaction), I’ve learnt that to ask is to be vulnerable to the dreaded “no” – or worse, “I don’t know”. These lessons have become ingrained to the point I feel an unpleasant physical sensation (probably anxiety) when I ask for anything – so I mostly don’t. If I ask, you can bet it’s my absolute last resort.

 

I guess I am disappointed by the lack of reaction/response from the ones who claim to care about me, and I have really been feeling it negatively. It’s got me thinking (of course!); have I always had “no life” hence I had a bigger capacity to support others than they have to support me? Is it my drive to find solutions to problems that, once told to me, my brain has no choice but to care about and figure out? Is my form of caring for others even caring at all? Or just my brain needing to rid itself of a problem, which once solved I can let go of it? (And by let go of, well, no that doesn’t actually really happen – nice thought though!)

 

Autistics have no empathy? I call bullshit. I care a lot. I care too much most of the time! Yes, sure, solving others’ problems relieves me of the burden of the problems. But it also makes THEM feel better. It is STRESSFUL for me to know someone I care about is upset or being mistreated or has a problem. It might seem selfish that others’ pain I equate to myself as a stressor, but that is what it is. I don’t think NTs can possibly understand exactly what it’s like for me – the mental processing, the emotional stirring, etc, they invoke. The thing is though – I don’t want them to know. Because I care about them. Because I do want to help. And because – connection..
I can understand why Autistics shut themselves away from the world – absolutely! We are constantly bombarded with negativity (I don’t watch the news anymore) and pain that we cannot alleviate but we internalise anyway. We metaphorically have the weight of the world on our shoulders most days. Our senses are assaulted daily. And we’re bound by rules that not everyone follows – we live in constant state of stress. (Anyone lacking Cortisol? I have plenty of excess to give away!) So locking ourselves away from the world is a solution but it doesn’t satisfy the basic human need of connection.
I’m Autistic and the hardest thing I have to do is turn my back on people. Even the ones who hurt me. Because there’s a reason THEY hurt ME, right? It’s so very hard to accept that people do bad things to others “just because”. Turning my back means a loss of connection. It means I can’t solve them and save the connection. I find it even harder to have someone turn their back on me because of my mistakes – now that is painful. And why? Generally due to misunderstanding of my words/actions/intentions. How many chances do I give people? I like to think two! Realistically though – as many as it takes them to get it “right”. Boundaries? Ha! They’re the equivalent to me of putting an electric fence up around myself, feeling bad when the other person gets zapped, then turning the fence off so THEY don’t get hurt again. Hopeless.

 

If there are any neurotypicals reading this then PLEASE – if a friend or loved one of yours trusts you enough to inform you of their diagnosis PLEASE support them. Learn about Autism, let them talk, ask questions, ask them how they feel, offer to help if they don’t understand something (don’t be offended if they say no), don’t smother them, but do SHOW you care. Adults diagnosed as Autistic have been living in your world for years and have survived, we continue to live in your world – so please, do yourself a favour – have an open mind and you just might find the best friend you could ever have!

 

Image credit: My 4 year old son.

NB: If you haven’t noticed by now, I use Aspergers/Autism Autistic/Aspie interchangeably – to me they’re synonymous and this is my blog

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This entry was published on August 9, 2016 at 6:11 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

15 thoughts on “Dis – Connection.

  1. I tried to support my friend every day with kind words bur she escaped away. I think it not so easy. I really loved her. To support her was not enough…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess this is my perspective on it but as the saying goes if you’ve met one Aspie, you’ve met one Aspie. Unfortunately, nothing is easy, when I try to simplify things I usually make them more complex. I’m not sure of the situation between yourself and your friend, I can tell you care a lot about her, I know I have a hard time believing someone would actually love me for me – that’s a self-esteem thing but I’ve found its a common theme amongst us, especially female Aspies. Getting too close to someone, and being vulnerable, used to make me feel very uncomfortable – I guess it was fear. Maybe the way you were supporting her, which seems very kind, wasn’t the way she needed you to? Did she tell you or did you ask what support she needed? It’s easy for me to feel “trapped” and obligated to stay somewhere I don’t want to be, which sends my stress levels up, and leads to shut down/melt down.

      Liked by 1 person

      • First thank you for listening and answering me. I would like to understand better. Our friendship was made only by emails. 3 years with 3000 mails. I tried to stand by her with kindness and to share with her my happy time. I think the best gift for a friend is sharing true joy. I was tired of my kind words, she was always sad, so i asked her how i could really support her… her answer was closing all comunication. So now she wants silence and stop any contact. My confusion is due that now i don’t know anymore what is a friend.
        Kindly phlomis

        Liked by 1 person

      • I see! I can’t speak for her, but I have done something similar in the past. I have trouble understanding my feelings A LOT, I find if someone evokes a feeling in me which I can’t label but makes me feel uneasy I tend to flee from it and the person. Romantic/caring type feelings from others can make me feel really uncomfortable so instead of exploring why I feel that way, or that they could actually be genuine, I leave instead of being vulnerable. I guess this is a learned (unhealthy) coping mechanism I’ve picked up over the years. I’m a great listener and problem solver, I have a very hard time talking about my problems, I usually try to fix them myself – if someone offers support I usually don’t know what to do with it. I’m sure it’s very hard and hurtful for you to be on the receiving end of this behaviour, but I can pretty confidently say it’s not YOU, whatever your friend is dealing with wasn’t caused by you. Take care of yourself, she might come back, but she might not, you may need to grieve the loss of your friend and heal the way you need to over it. Hope that helps somewhat xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Really helpful♥ thank you. I think your explanation is very honest. Yes for me it’s a great loss and i’m trying to go over but i feel as sun isn’t warm anymore even if it’s summer. Really thank you and i will tell if she might come back… but she learned in her past experience to survive to all her losses and so she really doesn’t need me… she is so free and strong but i keep on pray for her to be happy (without me)
        Have a great day ♥

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome, glad it helped ❤️ Loss is really hard to cope with, it’s not just losing the person now, it’s also having to rewrite your future without them in it, not being able to share things with them, etc – it’s horrible, so I do really feel for you! Most Aspie women I’ve spoken to have had a rough past, being taken advantage of sexually physically financially etc, eventually you learn to trust no one – it’s sad, but that’s a consequence of naivety/vulnerability/trusting someone who isn’t a good person. If you know that you meant something to her (although this behaviour doesn’t show it) know that I’m sure she is feeling it too, it’s just her way of coping – shutting herself off/down. I hope you find some warmth soon xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • You do know what a friend is, that’s exactly what you are being 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      • And of course I don’t jugde anybody. Just try to comprehend… i thinh she suffers a lot. I too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sounds like you have a big heart 😊 xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Now I ‘m confused.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending you love always. I know I’m rubbish at keeping up with emails and catching up with blog posts but I do eventually and always happy to have met you online and have made a twin aspie who gets me.

    You genuinely are a beautiful soul and one day I hope we can meet and have long talks 🙂

    Love & Light twinnie x

    Liked by 1 person

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