So, I’ve been feeling a bit “low” of late. I think realistically this started pre-diagnosis. I’ve known about, and struggled with, depression on and off for a few years now, anxiety has been with me for a lifetime. These two conditions can be “medicated” and numbed. Matter of fact I’m taking 10mg of Lexapro now which worked great at the start whilst I wasn’t being triggered, but now? I think it was a placebo as much as helpful.
Diagnosis Day, a week ago, confirmed what I had suspected. I’m neurologically wired differently. Personally, I am intellectually over competent and emotionally incompetent. Great. Basically, for a smart woman, I can’t handle emotions. And the past couple of days this has been highlighted to me in the extreme.
I am ok, then I’m triggered, then I want to end my life because I can’t cope, and I’m angry, and I’m crying, then I’m ok, then I ruminate, back to wanting to end myself, more tears, more thinking, more not making sense of things, more being misunderstood, more anger. It’s a vicious, cruel, tiring cycle. And it’s in my head – I can’t get away from it. Sleep it off? Ha! There’s thinking to do. I exhaust myself with tears and then I can rest. I don’t like crying, but my eyes just keep leaking them.
I pride myself on my maturity. Always have! It’s something I’ve always been complimented on. And I am mature – until something sets me off. Then I can be as immature as they come. Now I have an explanation for this of sorts. And that’s great, but it doesn’t “fix” it. I’m a grown woman who needs to get her own way or I lose it. I’m a grown woman who expects people to do what they say, when they say, or I lose it. I’m a grown woman who can dish out criticism but can’t handle it. Basically, I’m a brat.
I am struggling to accept it. To make peace with this side of Aspergers, and my Aspergers I feel is fighting me back on this. “Accept me!”, it says, “Or I will show you the full force of your immaturity and expose your incompetence to your world!” My guarded self, who is so extremely sensitive to criticism, rejection and embarrassment, who has been hidden behind a veil of seriousness and perfectionism is struggling.
I am feeling the negative extremes of my world and it’s been hard to want to stay a part of it. Sure, other people have it worse! Of course! There’ll always be people worse off, but that doesn’t minimise how I am feeling or make me feel grateful. It just is how it is.
Anyway, on a sort of hopeful sort of positive note, my son is going for a trip with his grandparents to see his great-grandparents for the weekend and I’m staying home. And my mission, which I do choose to accept, is to learn everything I can about emotions and ASD and write myself a personal self-help book with notes. Because if there’s one thing this Aspie woman is good at it’s research! I figured out I was Aspie, so I’m going to figure out how to manage this side of my Aspieness – or how to accept it! It will take me longer than a weekend but I will get there – count on it. 😉