I did a quick search about grief after Autism diagnosis on Google. There’s plenty of support there if your child has been diagnosed but not so much about it when it comes to dealing with adult diagnosis.
It’s all well and good that my life now makes sense, but that doesn’t turn back the clock and give me a do over. It doesn’t fix the things and people I’ve broken in the past. It doesn’t give me back my time wasted. It doesn’t un-abuse and un-assault me. It doesn’t wipe away all rules I’ve learnt and expectations of myself I’ve set to “fit in”. It doesn’t erase my social faux pas’ and un-embarrass me. It doesn’t undo my failures and fix them. It doesn’t erase the memories others have of me making a fool of myself whilst drunk. It doesn’t take away my apparent over reactions.
So right now, I think I am grieving. It’s like the end of a relationship; I am breaking up with my old self to get back together with my new self. I have not given myself the time to process this so it seems my brain is forcing it upon me. I need to let go of the past to embrace the future as my authentic Autistic self. I do need to focus on my strengths and accept my challenges and learn to work with or around them. But this doesn’t need to be done today. Today I need to cry, and mourn life as I knew it. To forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. To forgive myself for my naivety, for putting myself in harms way and being harmed. To forgive myself for not being able to regulate my emotions, for feeling so deeply, for feeling nothing at all. To forgive myself for “faking it”, and that not working to “make it”. To forgive myself for walking away from things and people when I couldn’t cope. To forgive myself for not being able to verbalise feelings and thoughts.
And when this passes, my life begins again, for the better. With so much self-awareness and self-knowledge it cannot be for the worse. ❤️
Image credit: http://imikimi.com/main/view_kimi/x1NO-163