Good grief? 

I did a quick search about grief after Autism diagnosis on Google. There’s plenty of support there if your child has been diagnosed but not so much about it when it comes to dealing with adult diagnosis. 

It’s all well and good that my life now makes sense, but that doesn’t turn back the clock and give me a do over. It doesn’t fix the things and people I’ve broken in the past. It doesn’t give me back my time wasted. It doesn’t un-abuse and un-assault me. It doesn’t wipe away all rules I’ve learnt and expectations of myself I’ve set to “fit in”. It doesn’t erase my social faux pas’ and un-embarrass me. It doesn’t undo my failures and fix them. It doesn’t erase the memories others have of me making a fool of myself whilst drunk. It doesn’t take away my apparent over reactions. 

So right now, I think I am grieving. It’s like the end of a relationship; I am breaking up with my old self to get back together with my new self. I have not given myself the time to process this so it seems my brain is forcing it upon me. I need to let go of the past to embrace the future as my authentic Autistic self. I do need to focus on my strengths and accept my challenges and learn to work with or around them. But this doesn’t need to be done today. Today I need to cry, and mourn life as I knew it. To forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. To forgive myself for my naivety, for putting myself in harms way and being harmed. To forgive myself for not being able to regulate my emotions, for feeling so deeply, for feeling nothing at all. To forgive myself for “faking it”, and that not working to “make it”. To forgive myself for walking away from things and people when I couldn’t cope. To forgive myself for not being able to verbalise feelings and thoughts.

And when this passes, my life begins again, for the better. With so much self-awareness and self-knowledge it cannot be for the worse. ❤️

Image credit: http://imikimi.com/main/view_kimi/x1NO-163

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This entry was published on August 4, 2016 at 1:02 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

6 thoughts on “Good grief? 

  1. This field was intentionally left blank on said:

    I’m feeling for you, friend. I can honestly say I’ve been there. To be able to go back and say, “oh, so THAT’S what the issue is!” and be measured by a different yardstick. To recognize that we learn differently and perhaps choose a different school, with an environment and structure that is more compatible with our different needs and abilities. For those around us to know that we’re contemplating, NOT lazy. Or that it truly IS tough for us to pull away from our special interests. Or that we’re NOT slow, we’re switching gears. Or that no, that wasn’t a spoiled tantrum. Or that no, we “can’t just…” because we can’t and that’s OK. To be able to heal. Could it be that you might actually begin to *reunite* more completely with your child-self as you begin to forgive yourself? It’s a possibility that you two (your pre-discovery self and your post-discovery self) might actually form a new bond 🙂 I offer you my support in your healing process, however much comfort it can provide ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ I hadn’t thought about reuniting the two, it’s something I will look in to 😊sounds like a good idea if I can! Thank you, again, so much xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I like the way as you are. As you are is a gift for world. Be a gift for yourself,too.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m trying too…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. *virtual hug* I hear you

    Liked by 1 person

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