Exhaustion.

It’s amazing how little you know about yourself until you find out a big thing about yourself. As far back as I can remember I’ve put my hand up to help people. You need someone to help set up your function? What time? I’ll be there. Can’t pack everything away yourself? I’ll stay behind and help. You have a problem? Here, let me lose sleep so I can solve it for you. And on the list goes.

I like helping people, I do. I’m not resentful at all. I like to be useful. But it’s always come at a cost. I could never understand the exhaustion that followed. Why does floating around talking to people at a luncheon party, as an example, exhaust me? I’m not physically exerting myself!

But now, oh now, it makes sense. The constant barrage of questions and small talk, trying to stay “focused” on the person talking to me, trying to formulate answers coherently instead of mumbling, trying to filter out background noise, forcing a happy smiley face, trying to flip through files in my head remembering who I am talking to and what I know about them, trying to blend and not draw attention to myself, and again, on the list goes.

Last Friday I got my diagnosis. Fast forward not even a week, and exhaustion has set in. I got my diagnosis in the morning and started a new job that afternoon which involves going to every house in my local town (460 of them) to deliver paperwork. I have 10 days to do this and I’ve done 414 in 5 days. I’ve walked over 40 kilometres, and spoken to a lot of people. I’ve been riding my “high” of diagnosis and this afternoon I crashed. My house is a mess, my 4 year old has the attitude of a teenager and I am tired. I have pushed myself beyond my limit in too many ways this week.
And now it’s time to rest and recharge.

As I posted on Twitter, I’ve learnt about the Spoon Theory the hard way this week.
The Spoon Theory

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This entry was published on August 3, 2016 at 9:52 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

5 thoughts on “Exhaustion.

  1. Reblogged this on Confessions of a Loony Genius and commented:
    The Spoon Theory. This explains the answer to the question I never asked myself when I learned of the concept to “manage your energy, not your time”. I didn’t ask myself ‘how much energy do I have?’ You can’t manage what you can’t measure!

    Like Amy here, I know when I have completely run out of spoons because the mental exhaustion hits me hard also. But what if I could pre-empt the onset of total exhaustion? That is a powerful thought.

    I suppose the liberating aspect of understanding I am on the autism spectrum is that I can let go of ever believing I will have more spoons, and instead now focus on understanding how to manage better with what I have.

    This is the first thing I want to work on after I get my diagnosis.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. This is pretty much how I felt just yesterday. I’d been vaguely euphoric for nearly a fortnight, and then…it just hit me.

    And like you, I’m always the one to say yes to helping other people out. I’ve been perpetually tired all my life! Recently I’ve been reminding myself I need to try and be kind to myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your third paragraph puts into words what I have been experiencing all these years but have not known how to explain it to anyone. I have only recently engaged in the AS community, but it has been so great to find others experiencing the same challenges I face.
    I really like your blog.
    Thank you again for this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks 😊 I have found the same thing, it’s been amazing to connect to so many others on the spectrum and despite our differences we all seem to have a lot in common! Glad it’s relatable 😊😊

      Like

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