Assessment moved forward.

My ASD assessment has been moved forward 3 weeks to next week. The doubts are starting to creep in.

What if I’m not Autistic? What if all these traits and criteria and Autistic people/blogs I can relate to is all some sick joke my mind is playing on me? I’ve worn many masks in the past – could this be one too? Why am I highlighting passages and sentences in books from Temple Grandin, Samantha Craft, Tania Marshall, Liane Holliday Weilly and Rudy Simone that make light bulbs go off in my head? Why do these women make sense to me like none before? Am I desperate?

I know I am desperate to be understood and understand myself. I have always been desperate for those. And I have found a community that I don’t have to write something and go “does that make sense?” because what I say generally seems to for the first time in my life. I “fit in” with a community that is stereotypically renowned for not “fitting in”. I say “me too!” to others and others say “me too!” to me as well.

These are the reasons I NEED an official assessment. I would love to know myself as well as the self-diagnosed do and save the anxiety over this. I envy their self-confidence, their “knowing” and faith in themselves to identify who they are. But I have always been someone who needs to “know” with verification, and so I have chosen the official path. And the official path has been brought forward. 

I don’t believe Autistic is something someone would “choose” to be, it’s something you are or you aren’t. There is no “choice”. Sure, I’ve heard the “all people are on the Spectrum somewhere”, actually a friend, who I did consider a close one, laughed and said this to me when I told her my thoughts early on in my research. If that’s true, then why does anyone need a diagnosis? Doesn’t that mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON is Autistic? It’s such a dismissive thing to say. No, not “everyone” is on the Spectrum. I don’t “hope” that I am, I am looking forward to either knowing I am or knowing I am not.

“Knowing I am not” is going to bring a whole new set of questions if it is the case.. 

Ahh the suspense! 

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This entry was published on July 23, 2016 at 12:00 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

7 thoughts on “Assessment moved forward.

  1. Good luck! You’re so right, autism isn’t a choice, it is or isn’t. All this talk about fashionable diagnoses and everyone being on the spectrum is rubbish and invalidating. I hope your assessment goes well and you get the answer you want.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This was EXACTLY how I felt before my assessment (although because it was so EXTREMELY short notice, my feelings were kind of ‘condensed’). As for the “we’re all on the spectrum” thing – yeah, I get that. It’s NTsplaining, as far as I’m concerned. It’s often well-meaning, but it belittles and devalues our experiences. I’ve read some really good stuff on this recently – I’ll share when I get a chance to find…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. ‘We’re all on the spectrum somewhere.’ What a terrible statement. Would anyone say ‘we’re all disabled in some way’, or ‘we’re all opera singers really’. There are things in life we don’t get to choose. Statements like that are dismissive and in no way helpful. An official diagnosis might help you, it did me, but we’re not talking about a quantifiable science. Whatever the outcome of your assessment you are learning more about yourself each day and hopefully understanding how to fit into a complex and confusing world. There are lots of people on your side who have an idea of what you’re going through.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your comment, I have the first half of my assessment today and that’s just what I needed to read šŸ™ regardless of the outcome I have found more love, understanding and support from the Autistic community in a few months than the NT community my whole life and I’ll be forever grateful for that ā¤ļø

      Like

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