My ASD assessment has been moved forward 3 weeks to next week. The doubts are starting to creep in.
What if I’m not Autistic? What if all these traits and criteria and Autistic people/blogs I can relate to is all some sick joke my mind is playing on me? I’ve worn many masks in the past – could this be one too? Why am I highlighting passages and sentences in books from Temple Grandin, Samantha Craft, Tania Marshall, Liane Holliday Weilly and Rudy Simone that make light bulbs go off in my head? Why do these women make sense to me like none before? Am I desperate?
I know I am desperate to be understood and understand myself. I have always been desperate for those. And I have found a community that I don’t have to write something and go “does that make sense?” because what I say generally seems to for the first time in my life. I “fit in” with a community that is stereotypically renowned for not “fitting in”. I say “me too!” to others and others say “me too!” to me as well.
These are the reasons I NEED an official assessment. I would love to know myself as well as the self-diagnosed do and save the anxiety over this. I envy their self-confidence, their “knowing” and faith in themselves to identify who they are. But I have always been someone who needs to “know” with verification, and so I have chosen the official path. And the official path has been brought forward.
I don’t believe Autistic is something someone would “choose” to be, it’s something you are or you aren’t. There is no “choice”. Sure, I’ve heard the “all people are on the Spectrum somewhere”, actually a friend, who I did consider a close one, laughed and said this to me when I told her my thoughts early on in my research. If that’s true, then why does anyone need a diagnosis? Doesn’t that mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON is Autistic? It’s such a dismissive thing to say. No, not “everyone” is on the Spectrum. I don’t “hope” that I am, I am looking forward to either knowing I am or knowing I am not.
“Knowing I am not” is going to bring a whole new set of questions if it is the case..
Ahh the suspense!