Body image.

How does one love themselves when they’ve been told their whole lives they’re “too” much? Too much height. Too much weight. Too much (many) brains. Too much (many) issues. 

I’ve been above average height my whole life. I currently stand 6′ (183cm) tall. I don’t like to stand out but, physically, I can’t help it. Add to that I have the bone structure of my father (a few differences obviously) and let’s just call it what it is – fat. You can’t miss me. 

Over the years I have shrunk myself. Remained quiet, tried to blend. I’ve always been smart but not in an “I’m better than you way”. It was never “cool” to be smart, as an adult it surprisingly is valued but as a kid/teen not so much. 

Physically I have tried to shrink myself too at times. I’d lose weight, people would notice and compliment me, and that would be enough to want to eat all the crap food I could find. I didn’t want to stand out, yet I did the smaller I got. It was a double edge sword, you get compliments for losing weight, people telling you how “good you look” – it’s such a materialistic world we live in. I’ve never wanted to be complimented on my looks, compliment me on my brain! Not my face and not my body. 

That is something that reminds me of childhood, when all the other girls would get complimented on their bodies etc, I’d get the obligatory “you have a nice face” – as in not a nice body. Or when I was at a birthday party and we were playing games, I distinctly remember my friends’ father and his mate were blindfolding us and holding up a plank of wood for us to walk along whilst they wobbled it (I’m not sure what this game was?) and my friends’ father saying something along the lines of “look out, this ones a heavy one” – this “one” was me. That was over 20 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. 

Or when I naively became an adult and had men who would make me somehow believe I was “beautiful” and get what they wanted then wouldn’t talk to me again – as if they were embarrassed.

As a kid I had a pretty traditional family. We sat down at the table for dinner – and you ate all that was on your plate even if it took you all night. We were served big meals. As an adult I am a super fast eater, I don’t know if this was a result of growing up with that strictness, but I do know I eat like it’s going to be my last meal and I eat everything on my plate otherwise I feel guilty. A plate with food left on it doesn’t “look” right. 

So I battle against this over/fast eating and the guilt I guess of knowing my body is going to expand. I’m not lazy in the sense that I don’t like exercise, it’s like all things, I have a hard time “sticking” to it. I have long legs so I walk fast and can walk far, it’s the encountering people thing and wondering what they think about me when they see me thing that keeps me inside.

Some days I’m confident! *This* is my body and who cares what others think! And I feel on top of the world – judge away! But that never lasts long, the taunts etc replay in my mind and grind me back down to reality. 

I am actually healthy. I’ve never had a problem with cholesterol or high blood pressure. I eat reasonably well, although I do have my bad days. There’s no fast food outlet where I live so that helps. 

One day I hope I can accept the compliments, that the compliments will stick in my mind and replay on the bad days, and that the taunts aren’t so loud. That I can love myself just the way I am in a society that is constantly bombarding me with images of why I don’t fit the ideal mould. It’s hard enough knowing mentally I don’t fit the ideal mould to be honest. One day!

This entry was published on July 19, 2016 at 12:34 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

12 thoughts on “Body image.

  1. You are perfect as you are. The Universe created us to be exactly who we are, what we are, where we are right now. You may be flawed, but perfectly flawed. And in the eyes of all who truly see you, you are enough. You are good enough, you are smart enough, you look good enough. You Are ENOUGH! Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s something about tall and big and struggling to blend in isn’t there? I’m right with you on all three of those. I also eat ridiculously fast, I put it down to overeating, particularly if it’s carby food, induces a kind of coma-like state. Beyond “full” you (or I at any rate) don’t feel other stuff quite so strongly.

    I’ve found that getting older (I’m 43 now) has helped my sense of body image enormously. If you don’t get there sooner, you do at least have that to look forward to.

    I am also wondering if we autistic women miss the signals that others appreciate us more than allistic women do. So the dumbass negative comments get thrown vastly out of proportion.

    Finally, see if the last paragraph or so of this helps: xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. When I was a small kid, after nearly dying in the maternity where I was born, which left me with my faithful IBS, and after suffering from vit D deficiency, or rickets, my body looked kinda weird, with only a big round head atop… Having said that, one might not wonder why there’s no pictures of the baby me, until I was about 4 yo πŸ™‚
    Of course, my mom had a hard time to walk around with a little boy, about whom at the best of times people noticed: “how cute, but what a big head…”
    Well, in spite of all this and MANY other matters, I caught up with my head, looking around from my 6′ and a bit…
    Well with age came hypertension, severe lower back problems, diabetes, and now I just discovered I’m an Aspie πŸ™‚
    Yay πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • You forgot to mention the wonderful intelligent mind you have 😊

      Liked by 2 people

      • Oh dear, thank you☺ I got used to keeping it rather to myself, because it’s fragile amd has too many scares from years of misunderstanding. I constantly have to look at it trying to remember the good, which is scarce. But I guess the time may have come to try and concentrate on newer memories, such as kind words like yours☺

        Liked by 2 people

      • I hear you, blogs and Twitter have given me the platform I need to start exploring “me” and find my voice and get things out of my head 😊. Kind truthful words at that πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m light-years away from Twitter & all, as the flow of information is way too fast for my brainπŸ˜– but I guess that’s what makes us unique πŸ˜‡


  5. I’ve read a number of times women that are about 6ft tall and it makes them uncomfortable. I can understand that, especially if you don’t like being the centre of attention. I can’t speak for other men but I’m pretty sure a lot of them would agree with me, when I meet a woman who is about 6ft (I am 5ft 10ins, and if she’s wearing high-heels I have to look up) I see a woman with legs that go on forever. That’s a plus, most definitely not a minus. This probably sounds really sexist actually, but I’m leaving it anyway because you need to know how beautiful you are.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t think that’s sexist, I think that’s personal preference. Ironically my legs are the part of my body I actually like lol. Yeah I definitely do not like being the centre of attention! Thanks ☺️

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Hello. πŸ™‚ The Silent Wave directed me to your blog and now I’m reading through it backwards. πŸ˜€ I can relate to this post, so very much. I’m 5’11” and am built big. I have been various different weights. The various comments people have made about my size over the years play on a loop in my head, too. It’s caused me years of problems. I know this post is a few months old now but I just wanted to say hi and that I get it. πŸ™‚ Thanks for writing it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey! Thanks for taking time to comment 😊. People often don’t realise the long term impact of their words, I wonder if they’d be more careful with them if they did? Although, having an Aspie long term super memory doesn’t help! Thanks for reading, hope it’s helpful to you 😊❀️


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