I am constantly explaining myself. I constantly feel the need to explain myself – to be understood. Why I said this, why I did that, why I reacted, why I overreacted, why what was heard wasn’t what was meant, why I am misunderstood, why I like the things I do, why I don’t like some things, why I do the things I do.
What a wonderful world it would be if everyone could read everyone else’s minds and see their trains of thought? See how they perceived events/words, etc? See the intent behind one’s behaviour and words? I’d never speak again, and never write either.
It takes A LOT for me to open up to someone. It takes A LOT for me to ask for help, to admit I don’t understand or need clarification. It takes A LOT for me to ask anything of others, even my family members.
And more often than not, that is my last resort, so when I’m asking for help etc I’m desperate for it by that stage. I haven’t been able to “fix” it myself, my attitude is one of self-defeat and failure. Unfortunately I don’t tell people this, so when they can’t help, I generally have big reactions to it. I *know* it’s not their fault, it may come across as I’m being dramatic or trying to guilt them in to helping, but it’s the fact my “last resort” has also failed and I just implode or explode.
Most of the time I don’t even know what my “wants” and “needs” are, all I know is that I am feeling unfulfilled but can’t label why.
Why can’t I just be a normal functioning adult who has their shit together every day?