Help denied and the fallout.

I am constantly explaining myself. I constantly feel the need to explain myself – to be understood. Why I said this, why I did that, why I reacted, why I overreacted, why what was heard wasn’t what was meant, why I am misunderstood, why I like the things I do, why I don’t like some things, why I do the things I do.

What a wonderful world it would be if everyone could read everyone else’s minds and see their trains of thought? See how they perceived events/words, etc? See the intent behind one’s behaviour and words? I’d never speak again, and never write either.

It takes A LOT for me to open up to someone. It takes A LOT for me to ask for help, to admit I don’t understand or need clarification. It takes A LOT for me to ask anything of others, even my family members. 

And more often than not, that is my last resort, so when I’m asking for help etc I’m desperate for it by that stage. I haven’t been able to “fix” it myself, my attitude is one of self-defeat and failure. Unfortunately I don’t tell people this, so when they can’t help, I generally have big reactions to it. I *know* it’s not their fault, it may come across as I’m being dramatic or trying to guilt them in to helping, but it’s the fact my “last resort” has also failed and I just implode or explode.

Most of the time I don’t even know what my “wants” and “needs” are, all I know is that I am feeling unfulfilled but can’t label why. 
Why can’t I just be a normal functioning adult who has their shit together every day?

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This entry was published on July 17, 2016 at 7:54 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

3 thoughts on “Help denied and the fallout.

  1. Because of this post, I reached out to a good friend and asked her for help today with organising my personal life – hardcopy organising, folders, personal admin, finances etc. I am going to ask all the dumb questions I should know the answers to but don’t. Like, why do people keep receipts? Do I need to do that if I don’t have a credit card? Should I have a credit card? etc. She was worried at first but after I shared the why, she was thrilled I’d asked her, and she had no idea I struggled with this stuff. It feels good, surprisingly. I do feel a bit vulnerable though! My messiness has been such a secret for so long.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh wow ☺️ that’s so great to read!! Good on you! Asking for help is not easy, it’s harder leaving it though because as much as we bury our heads in the sand and hope it goes away things like financial issues don’t unfortunately. I think Vulnerability and Autism go hand in hand. If I’ve learnt anything it is that I can’t do everything on my own all of the time. It’s not a failure to ask/need help, you just have to find the genuinely good people to ask. Go you! You should be proud of yourself! πŸ˜ƒ

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s so true, I’ve always believed one can ‘have it all’ but certainly not all at once. The problem for me is that I either think that no one would want to help me on stupid things, or I shouldn’t bother them with things that I can just google and do myself (yet I don’t get round to doing), or I just completely forget that I could in fact ask someone to help in the first place. I suppose by letting people in like this, it takes the burden off me having to ask all the time, because they will probably check in with me and ask me instead, in future. Let’s see!

        Like

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