I’ve been to a few funerals over the years. As we get older it becomes a part of life. I’m not a crier generally. I can’t cry on demand. I can’t use tears as a way to get out of things or make people feel guilty. If I cry it’s a sense of overwhelming emotion I feel inside which has built up behind a dam, when it breaks, the tears flow.
I’ve been called an “ice queen” and heartless before by a couple of people in a sort of joking-serious way. I do feel a sense of sadness at death and funerals. I do wish I could cry at funerals because I wouldn’t look so awkward standing there with dry eyes whilst everyone around me is in tears. Does my lack of crying mean I don’t care? I can tell you from the inside it doesn’t mean this, I care very much. I care that I am surrounded by people in pain. I care that I’ve lost someone from my life. But what I shouldn’t have to care about is that my outside appearance doesn’t reflect my feelings inside.
I cried when I heard my uncle passed away suddenly, not sobs just a few silent tears, knowing that my cousins had lost their Dad and for the hurt they would be feeling and my Aunty too. His funeral was big, with loud music and flashing lights, maybe what can be described as a “new age” funeral – almost like a concert/party. I was prepared for a solemn funeral, like most are, not that! I did cry, and felt I had to escape. But it wasn’t from the grief of him being gone, I just needed a break from the madness that was his send off. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but now it’s starting to make sense.
I’m not religious at all, I’m also not an atheist. When it comes to death I believe it is what it is. No afterlife or rebirth. There’s just … Nothing. And I am ok with that belief. Sometimes I envy the faithful and their beliefs, how they can be so sure of something existing. I can’t do it. That’s just me.
I remember watching Titanic at the movies as a kid with a friend. Everyone had told me “how sad” it was and “take tissues!” Sure, when Jack died it was “sad”. It was also a movie. I remember sniffling, pretending to cry – to “fit in” with my friend. I was embarrassed that I was surrounded by sobbing and it was the last thing I felt like I should be doing. It was a movie for goodness sake, simply a movie!
None of this has ever made sense to me. I consider myself to be a person with a big heart who would do anything for anyone. Now, I’m not so sure that’s who I am or is just who I wanted to be. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to be to be honest. Maybe I haven’t had someone “close” enough to me pass away to experience true grief, it’s certainly not something I am looking forward to finding out the answer to.