Death and tears.

I’ve been to a few funerals over the years. As we get older it becomes a part of life. I’m not a crier generally. I can’t cry on demand. I can’t use tears as a way to get out of things or make people feel guilty. If I cry it’s a sense of overwhelming emotion I feel inside which has built up behind a dam, when it breaks, the tears flow.

I’ve been called an “ice queen” and heartless before by a couple of people in a sort of joking-serious way. I do feel a sense of sadness at death and funerals. I do wish I could cry at funerals because I wouldn’t look so awkward standing there with dry eyes whilst everyone around me is in tears. Does my lack of crying mean I don’t care? I can tell you from the inside it doesn’t mean this, I care very much. I care that I am surrounded by people in pain. I care that I’ve lost someone from my life. But what I shouldn’t have to care about is that my outside appearance doesn’t reflect my feelings inside.

I cried when I heard my uncle passed away suddenly, not sobs just a few silent tears, knowing that my cousins had lost their Dad and for the hurt they would be feeling and my Aunty too. His funeral was big, with loud music and flashing lights, maybe what can be described as a “new age” funeral – almost like a concert/party. I was prepared for a solemn funeral, like most are, not that! I did cry, and felt I had to escape. But it wasn’t from the grief of him being gone, I just needed a break from the madness that was his send off. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but now it’s starting to make sense.

I’m not religious at all, I’m also not an atheist. When it comes to death I believe it is what it is. No afterlife or rebirth. There’s just … Nothing. And I am ok with that belief. Sometimes I envy the faithful and their beliefs, how they can be so sure of something existing. I can’t do it. That’s just me.

I remember watching Titanic at the movies as a kid with a friend. Everyone had told me “how sad” it was and “take tissues!” Sure, when Jack died it was “sad”. It was also a movie. I remember sniffling, pretending to cry – to “fit in” with my friend. I was embarrassed that I was surrounded by sobbing and it was the last thing I felt like I should be doing. It was a movie for goodness sake, simply a movie!

None of this has ever made sense to me. I consider myself to be a person with a big heart who would do anything for anyone. Now, I’m not so sure that’s who I am or is just who I wanted to be. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to be to be honest. Maybe I haven’t had someone “close” enough to me pass away to experience true grief, it’s certainly not something I am looking forward to finding out the answer to.

This entry was published on July 15, 2016 at 6:22 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “Death and tears.

  1. Well, I had to stop going to funerals, except for when I have to, because one of my specifics is having very wrong emotions. I remember well when I attended the funerals of a former classmate in elementary school and had to run out and away from the procession, because I started to laugh “hysterically”.
    Family members passed away, relatives, but I never cried. And most disturbing, even though I “felt” some “grief”, it was more of an understanding of the fact that they are gone, but couldn’t emotionally respond. And that is sadly the case with most of the things…
    I’ve learned to construct reactions, but I produce them, they don’t “come”…
    But I guess I’ll have to learn to live with that, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t say I’ve ever laughed at a funeral, but I tend to absorb others’ emotions, so I feel the sadness but cannot express them generally in the way others do. It’s *another* no idea why I’m like that thing starting to make sense.

    I understand what you’re saying ๐Ÿ˜Š thanks for your insight, as always I appreciate it! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ™


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