Smiling. I’m not really a smiler. Sure, I’ll awkwardly arrange my face for a photo for the sake of it. For me, though, it’s just not a natural facial expression. Really smiley people actually make me quite uncomfortable – usually because I assume they’re on drugs. I either show too much of my teeth, not enough, or none and get accused of pouting. I think my issue is that I don’t like it because I can’t see it. Maybe it’s a self esteem thing? I’ve been told I’m “beautiful” when I smile, and that I have a “beautiful smile”. That doesn’t really mean much to me to be honest. Matter of fact it makes me want to smile less.
I have an issue with presents and surprises which correlates with this too. There’s a certain expectation of behaviour in these situations. I am ALWAYS grateful for presents, that someone would spend their time and money to give me something. It’s never worried me that I wouldn’t like the present, but that my reaction would not be “right” and would offend. So presents give me anxiety. I never know if my smile looks fake so I try and keep it plastered on my face for as long as possible, to show on the outside how grateful I feel on the inside. Surprises take me out of my comfort zone, my “need to know” goes in to overdrive. I have tried to “let” others surprise me, but I have this way of getting bits and pieces of information out of people and it becomes a mystery I have to solve so I can prepare.
The ironic thing is … That I love surprising people and giving them presents! (Although, once I buy someone a present I find it extremely hard not to tell them what it is or give it to them straight away, I don’t know how many times I’ve forced my sister to open a present early or let me tell her what I’ve gotten her).
This is such a random blog entry, it’s just the way my mind works, especially at the moment because I am thinking about different aspects of my life from a different perspective 😊.