It’s so frustrating having a head full of words and having them fail you when you need them most. Or having them twisted into something they’re not. Or failing to get your point across. Or using them the wrong way, which means you miss out on what you want. Or using them for honesty which gets you in strife or rejected. Or using them to hurt someone because you are hurting. Sometimes I wonder why bother communicating at all. If you’re silent you can’t be embarrassed, you can’t be misunderstood, you can’t be hurt.
Sometimes I do say what I don’t mean, I do it to get answers. I guess it is lying. But isn’t that the “game” men and women “play”? Isn’t that how you find out how someone really feels about you? My ex used to give the advice to others – to find out how someone felt about you add competition to the equation. Guess he never considered this would be used against him. And it’s shit. All it leads to is arguments that you never wanted. And in the end you know what happens? The one you really want gives up and you’re left with the one you don’t. I never thought this was good advice, he certainly never gave it to me, I told him to tell his advisees to be honest with how they felt, ask where they stand. That only works if you’re asking the right person it seems.
I am someone who needs definitive answers. I NEED to know. I need to be reassured that someone hasn’t changed their mind. I can imagine I am frustrating to others. But people DO change their minds. They’re not books where it’s all written down in front of you, whose words don’t change. People are fluid. You can do everything in the world for someone and they can still turn their back on you. You can be there for others when they need you every time, it doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated.
The human race saddens me at times. I read and read and read, I try and follow the rules, I try and remember people have agency, they have choice. It’s hard when you want to be that choice and you get left feeling like an option. What more can you do or give of yourself when the “everything” you’ve done and given isn’t enough? Failure is depressing. It’s just another notch in the life experience belt of many.