You know when you try and open yourself up to someone, and they don’t respond how you hoped they would, and you wish you could rewind and take the words back rather than be left with the feeling of … Disappointment/rejection/deflation/being let down? Yeah, I hate that. I often manifest these feelings into anger – because, that’s easier to deal with than feeling any of those others. Because it can be projected back on the responder as “their fault”. Because you don’t have to look at yourself and ask why their validation matters, and why you’re so sensitive and if the issue is actually their reaction or more that they haven’t reacted how you wanted/expected them to. And that’s the thing I guess, we don’t and can’t control anyone. It makes it a little harder when at times you find you can’t control yourself either. To open up means leaving yourself vulnerable to criticism but then what does the opposite do? How can you connect with anyone, ever? Truly connect? I’ve tried in the past. So often what I’ve said has been minimised or dismissed so I rarely bother. Am I not worth taking seriously? Why can I sit and listen to someone’s problems intently yet mine are irrelevant? Is it because I’m such a good listener people are surprised I have a voice? Is it because the person I portray on social media reflects only the fun/funny parts of my life? The material bullshit? Isn’t that what people want to see? I don’t put how I’m feeling on social media because I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want the fake caring. I’m sick of fake. I’m sick of feeling like a fake person in a fake world full of fake people. There’s always going to be fake people but I don’t want to be one of them anymore, I want to be real. It would be nice to meet just one person one day, besides my psychologist who is PAID to listen to me, who cares enough to ask questions and chips away at the walls I guard myself behind. That’s all I want, I’m not greedy, just one person to hear me and truly see me. Who I feel supported by and who I can lean on. Being in my head gets so tiring at times, but for now I’ll keep writing it down in this blog and letting it out that way.