I hate being in uncomfortable situations, I don’t know anyone who enjoys them, but I do not handle them well generally. When the going gets tough, I get going. Flight. If stress has been building, coupled with negative emotions, I have to leave. I thought this was because I’m a coward or immature but now I’m looking at it deeper. Every time I have flown with my flight response I have retreated home, pulled the blankets over my head and cried. I’ve let all the stress and negativity pour out of my eyes until I am exhausted. Because realistically that’s what I am – exhausted. My brain has been in overdrive trying to make sense of everything, I can’t, so I need to escape into solitude pretty much to reboot myself. I have had my flight or fight response triggered when drunk many times, and either way it goes, it’s not a good ending. So what causes this stress? I think it’s a mixture, generally, of not being able to understand/fix a situation and being misunderstood and not feeling heard or considered. Ultimately it stems from frustration. I am very easily overwhelmed but you wouldn’t know it by looking at me, I probably wouldn’t give you any clue that I’m feeling that way, so my explosions seem to come from nowhere but they always come from the pressure of trying to ignore how I’m feeling over a period of time. I do lash out at people, I guess what I’m starting to realise is I’m trying to release the pain I’m feeling, so I spit venomous words at people that I don’t mean, and when I finally calm down I’m distressed again because I’ve taken it out on someone who generally didn’t deserve it. It’s a vicious nasty cycle. I don’t know how to not feel things so deeply. I don’t know how to verbalise what’s going on before these breakdowns are triggered. I don’t know how to explain that I almost need these breakdowns to occur every so often as a release. I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone but me. I don’t know much, but I hope I’ll have answers one day.