I’ve always hated lies. Especially ones that affect me. I don’t like lying, but sometimes I’ll do it. It’s usually to get myself out of trouble or not hurt someone’s feelings. I can actually be quite a good liar if I need to be, but it makes me feel guilty and more often than not I’ll admit the truth eventually. All those times I lied about what I was doing on weekends with friends as a teenager? Yep, my parents know it all. I’ve done a lot of silly things in the past to feel like I belong in a group of people.
I have found that many people DON’T want to hear the “truth” when they ask a question, they just want their own opinion validated and agreed with. But if I ask, for example, if something I am wearing to an event looks ok then that is exactly what I want to know! I am asking for you to give me your truth/opinion so I can change into something that looks better if its not appropriate! Please do not consider my feelings because I’ll be more embarrassed if I look out of place than from anything you can say to me. If I ask a question of you it means I value your opinion. I am thankful to have 3 friends and a sister who I can ask questions of who will give me an honest answer, sometimes they all have the same answer, sometimes not.
Secrets! I can keep my own. Some I’ve kept since I was a kid, only recently revealing them to my (now ex) partner. That release was good. But can I keep other people’s secrets? I got in to so much drama and fights about this when I was younger, still to this day really, but no, I generally can’t keep secrets. I try, and I understand why it’s important to do so, but I feel an overwhelming urge to unburden myself of knowing something especially if it’s potentially damaging to someone else. I usually offload them to my Mum. She’s my keeper of other peoples’ secrets. Unless someone specifically says to me “don’t tell anyone” then I don’t believe it is a secret and will talk about it if someone asks. I hate hurting people with the truth and I hate angering people by telling their truth. But I think that keeping secrets makes me feel conflicted in myself, it tries to force me into the grey zone of something I see in black and white. It amuses me that I’m basically hypocritical in this regard – I have to offload others’ secrets but can keep my own and I lie but can’t stand others’ lying. I have trust issues from people proving they can’t be trusted and people taking advantage of me throughout my life.
I can’t explain how I can “know” things but I find it very easy to research, collect “proof” and connect the dots when I feel something is off. I’ve caught people lying and cheating, I could seriously be a detective. I study people, I always have. Intent is something that I don’t quite understand especially when someone hurts someone else. I try so hard to see the grey and believe it. It’s something that has kept me in unhealthy relationships/friendships in the past – that grey area, e.g. “He’s like *that* because he had a tough childhood”, I am overly sympathetic (I once thought I was very empathetic but nope it’s sympathy that I often give). I don’t know how to close the door on people and lock it then throw away the key. I have tried, but give it a period of time and if they contact me I will respond.
I’m not sure where this post was going, I have the flu and it’s messing with me, so I’ll leave it here.