Mumbling words

I don’t recall the first time I got accused of mumbling, but I know to this day I still do it and still get asked to repeat what I said. I do remember being yelled at for it when I was younger, and I do know it’s a bit of a joke in my family, well technically I’m the joke I guess. It’s not a conscious thing! Surely no one believes that mumbling would be?! Thinking back, I know occasionally it has happened when I was extremely nervous, an example being called upon to say a speech at my Nana’s 80th birthday party at the last minute, no preparation time, so I stood there and said “Only the best Nana’s become Great Nana’s, happy EIGHTEENTH birthday Nana!” trying to make it short and sweet. Now, I am positive I said eightieth, but according to everyone who commented and a recording of the speeches it sounded like eighteenth. Because when I am nervous my voice fails. I was maid of honour at a friend’s wedding – I slurred and mumbled my way through that speech completely sober. Embarrassing. I am an intelligent person but put me under pressure to speak and I will look like an incoherent fool. I can recall conversations I’ve had with new people and my words just run together, or if I’m asked for a quick response sometimes this happens too. 
The more I research ASD and think about myself and my experiences I see my life differently, things make more sense as to why I do/say the things I do. I am a scripter. I plan conversations in my head. And they’re fantastic magnificent conversations and the other person understands me and I get what I want to say across clearly and it feels great – in my head – and generally never goes like that in reality. I can do the small talk thing to random people who look at me and smile, it’s polite to acknowledge people, I’ve been taught that since I was a kid so I do it, it’s not comfortable and doesn’t feel natural but it’s nice to do I think. 
To be honest, most people bore me, and their conversations bore me. I like listening to people’s personal stories, give me depth! I have tried to do this back sometimes, relate a funny story, and often, embarrassingly, have had to add at the end “…you had to be there I guess!” I’m not a natural talker, I am a listener. So often I feel like I want to speak but I can’t, the words are there but I can’t force them out of my mouth. Especially if I think it will cause a disagreement with someone I truly care about or I am upset. I internalise the feelings and basically give the silent treatment until I feel that those feelings have passed. Is this selective mutism? I don’t know. I will keep on researching..

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This entry was published on July 4, 2016 at 1:57 PM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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