Alcohol, a reflection.

I grew up with parents who would drink alcohol on social occasions with their friends. My maternal Grandfather has a vineyard and family winery. I don’t remember alcohol ever being an interest of mine as a kid. As an early teen (I think 13) my friends’ parents bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of bourbon and a few pre-mix bottles of alcohol to share between 4 of us, and then left us alone for the night. I can only remember a couple of bits and pieces of the night – one girl spewed and one tried to jump from the balcony to go swimming in the lake below until I grabbed her and pulled her back inside – we all woke up terribly hungover. I don’t remember that I drank much after that, I’d usually be the one holding someone’s hair back from their face whilst they were spewing. I’m a “life of the party” drunk and “quiet and awkward” sober. My parents could be called alcoholics these days, they both work, but they don’t have many afternoons/nights where they don’t drink a beer or 10. When I turned 18 and could go to pubs my life changed a bit. I was suddenly someone who was described as “funny and fun”. I thought I was suddenly popular lol. I had “pub friends”. Alcohol became a way to cope, a sort of self-medication if you will. At times it became destructive. I became abusive on it, argumentative. It wasn’t until I fell pregnant in 2011 and having a break off alcohol that I realised how much it impaired my thinking and how much I relied on it as a coping mechanism – having a bad day? Drink. Confused about something? Drink. Bored? Drink. I had a friend who would do this with me, we’d buy 2 x 700ml bottles of rum and drink usually 1 1/2 of them until we were either sick or sleepy. We’d talk about the same crap every time. The last binge I had was over 3 months ago (ironically with this same friend) after I split up with my boyfriend. I became extremely upset then extremely angry. It was the start of my post breakup breakdown. I haven’t had a drink since. I went to the doctors, got some anxiety meds and sessions at a psychologist. I didn’t want to mix my meds with alcohol, back in my pre-motherhood days I did and found myself absolutely losing control – I can’t afford to do that these days. Looking back at my pub nights in my late teens/early 20s, honestly? I’m embarrassed. I made decisions drunk that I would never make sober. I got taken advantage of sexually multiple times – how did I deal with this? Drink more! I did many things that put my life and safety at risk and whilst drunk I didn’t care, I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t understand where I fit in to the world and people *liked* drunk me.
The only part of it I miss is how sociable it made me, I could talk, laugh, hug, etc no problem. If I walked into a pub sober none of this would likely happen. Nor would walking into a pub sober to be honest. As for me now, I’m happily off alcohol, and plan to stay that way. I don’t need it. If I’m socially awkward well I’ll work on that part of myself and not mask it by drowning it in scotch. If someone is my “friend” then they’ll be my friend regardless, and shouldn’t I be able to be my authentic self anyway? (I’m working on getting to know her..)

This entry was published on July 4, 2016 at 5:52 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “Alcohol, a reflection.

  1. Wow, I can relate so much to this. I have a post that I am drafting that’s a reflection of alcohol and how this really helped me socialise in my teens and university years. I would go out so so much and found that I could be myself more when drinking and people wouldn’t take offense from anything inappropriate I’d say because of the socially acceptable excuse to ‘be drinking’. Very interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There’s some studies being done about this, Sarah Hendrickx has one on her Twitter, it seems to be an almost common theme amongst the undiagnosed! Alcohol is a great masking agent because it numbs the front of your brain, I found it caused a lot of trouble for me though, especially at the end of the night at times I’d lose it – I assume now they were a sort of meltdown. I love alcohol, and I love being drunk, but it’s done too much damage in the past so I’m staying away from it 😊 plus, with this diagnosis I don’t feel I have a need to mask with it anymore so that’s a bonus 😊 (no doubt will have a drink again but limit myself instead of my old binges lol)

      Liked by 1 person

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