What if I’m not?

The more I read about female Aspergers the more I feel like I am. I’ve read so many blogs (also the books I am Aspien Woman by Tania Marshall and Aspergirls by Rudy Simone) that I can relate to and that make sense to me that it’s started to affect me. So now I’m wondering if I’m not on the spectrum at all but just a hypochondriac? 
Yesterday I read Rudy Simone’s Aspergirls and the book talked about clothing and the feel of it. It was weird, I thought about my primary school uniform and I could feel in my mind what if felt like to wear it, then I thought about other outfits I had seen myself wear as a kid in photographs and again I could feel what the fabric felt like on my skin in my mind. Is this the same for everyone? I’ve never given much thought to how clothes *feel* although I always dress for comfort over what’s fashionable. I wear jeans when I leave the house and put tracksuit pants on as soon as I get home or my pyjama pants because they’re comfortable, they don’t cling. 
Also, I seem to have lost my filter a bit since reading. I’ve been chipped as being “rude” over the years or having made inappropriate comments, but I’ve learnt to pick your audience. I also have been around sarcasm my whole life and it is a skill(?) that I can use well. I’ve found that I can use it to tell someone what I really think without offending them because it’s a “joke”. But since reading about Aspergers I seem to have lost this a bit? My Mum got a lovely silk scarf from a friend who went to China and brought it back for her and my comment about it was “that’ll feel nice on your head if you have chemo again” – my Mum kicked breast cancer’s butt a few years ago, I don’t know where the comment came from, it was out of my mouth before I could suppress it. I think I’ve always thought blunt comments such as that but haven’t verbalised them.
I have my own place, have been in here a month with my son, we have a fireplace and I’m awfully clumsy at times so I have burnt my arm and hands putting wood in it a few times. My Mum was telling me about putting Aloe Vera on the burns, now usually I would have thanked her for the information even if I have no intention of following it (I learned that you thank people for information regardless of whether you use it or not, plus if you appear compliant they shut up quicker). But instead I say “No, I like scars” which she looked at me and repeated what I said as a question and I said “Yep” and left it at that. I DO like scars. They generally come with a story and I love stories! I don’t like scars in a sadistic way, I find them fascinating in an odd way I guess. They’re permanent memories etched in skin and if you’ve got one I usually am itching to find out what the story is behind it. But explain that to my Mum? There would be no comprehension. “Scars should be healed and hidden, and don’t bite your fingernails or you’ll never find a boyfriend”. I used to bite my fingernails until there was basically nothing there, if I could bite it off with my teeth it would be gone until I did get a boyfriend and he commented about them and I just stopped biting them, 3 years ago. Now I obsessively pick the dirt and muck out from under them, or run my teeth over them.
These are a few examples.
I don’t know if this makes sense (which I am saying more and more lately, because it all makes sense to me but I think it won’t to others). I guess the more I read the more I feel the masks I’ve held in place for so long, the people pleasing mask, the watch what you say mask, the caring about what others think to the point of being upset mask, the tell others what they want to hear mask, etc masks, are all slipping off. I seem to be finding an identity which may or may not be validated next month and what scares me more now is – what if I’m actually not on the spectrum? What if I’ve just felt like a fake person my whole life who doesn’t actually fit in because I am in fact a fake person who does not fit in? Where does that leave me in life? 

This entry was published on July 2, 2016 at 11:43 PM. It’s filed under aspergers and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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