Pending Assessment for Aspergers

I have an upcoming assessment for Aspergers. I am nervous about it. I think I am actually at the point of being more nervous about the possibility that I am not on the spectrum than that I possibly am at this point. It’s been nice to be able to read others’ blogs and go “Aha! Me too!” I’ve used Tania Marshall’s list of possible female traits and written down the ones I can relate to. I’m not sure how WordPress and Blogs work to be honest. I’m on Twitter @amyes87 … I would really love if someone, anyone, everyone, could inbox me and say you are not alone! This makes sense to me too. (If it does, of course)

Cognitive/Intellectual Abilities

I am intelligent. I find it hard to retain information that is spoken to me, if I can read it myself I can generally retain it easier and understand it better.

I have a particularly good memory in terms of birthdays/anniversaries and conversations.

I have poor short term memory at times – I often walk in to rooms and forget why I am there or go shopping and forget the main thing I was there to buy.

I used to be very black and white in thinking – something was either right or wrong, and I was very opinionated. I got my opinion called ‘arrogant’ once, which shocked me, and it’s something I’m very aware of now. I tend to agree or disagree with people but don’t enter into a debate over it.

Education/University Life

I have unfinished University degrees, 5 to be precise.

I found that studying fulltime (4 units a semester) was overwhelming, 3 was ok though – I have never understood why this was the case. I have gotten extensions for pretty much every assessment I ever submitted for one reason or another, have never failed an assessment or exam, matter of fact the ones done last minute have generally resulted in high distinction grades.

I didn’t see any counsellors at school or university, I didn’t want people to know I had any issues – I didn’t know why I DID have issues when there was nothing “wrong” with me, I was just an awkward and shy person.

I didn’t make any friends at Uni. I didn’t stick around long enough to socialise nor had any interest in doing so, and I didn’t attend tutorials unless they were compulsory.

Career/Work

Worked at a retail department store on and off casually from 2005-2013. Felt anxiety before going most days but was fine once I got there. I did take “sickies” but couldn’t explain why I couldn’t be there, it wasn’t laziness and I certainly needed the money, the anxiety overwhelmed me at times.

I would sit outside and eat my lunch on my breaks. I smoked so I had an excuse not to be in the staff room. When I was working I had no problem consulting with my fellow employees, but socialising I didn’t feel comfortable with. I got invited to many things, except I’d get drunk and make a fool out of myself. A lot of people I worked with thought I was a funny idiot, so were surprised that my university results were so good. Whilst I was working I got in the zone and would get what I needed to done. It would frustrate me when I was organising something e.g. products on a shelf and a customer would interrupt my work because it often meant I could not finish what I was doing. I often felt exhausted after shifts, even 3 hour ones, sometimes needed to have a nap. I liked my job, I knew what I had to do and I did it, I was good at it, but in busy periods it could become very stressful e.g. Christmas.

Social and friendships/relationships

I thought through life I’ve had lots of friends, but thinking back, I usually have only ever had one main “best” friend at a time within a group of “friends”. Sure, we catch up on Facebook or the odd text here and there, but I don’t feel like I “need” to have these interactions.

I live in a town where I know next to no-one, and I enjoy it. If I am feeling lonely I will call a friend, but I don’t feel that I need to be in their physical presence.

I tend to find that with a group of friends the conversation revolves around gossip. I can add to these conversations sometimes depending on what I’ve heard, but I am yet to find anyone who wants to figure out human behaviour and the world with me, so I generally just listen bored and look forward to being back home.

I don’t like lying, I almost have a sixth sense about it when I am being lied to. I will investigate the truth from my own hunch. If you tell me a story, then tell it again at a later date and change details, I will know, and I find it hard to believe a word you say. Yet I lie myself sometimes. The irony.

I am usually passive or aggressive in communication. I am hopeless with assertiveness. I have a huge issue with asking for help, it is my last resort, and it makes me feel embarrassed to not know or be able to do something. What are boundaries? Can’t set them or stick to them.

If you yell at me my words will usually falter and I will cry, unless I am angry at you, they’ll probably still falter a bit but I can be quite nasty, and I’ll still cry. I hate crying. If I am angry etc at someone I find it a lot easier to write it down, which has gotten me in just as much strife because then I’m perceived as “!

When I drink I am extremely sociable. I am loud, I dance, and I get myself in to a lot of trouble sometimes. I’ve been taken advantage of by men, done reckless things, etc. Alcohol destroys me but the feeling I get from being able to talk and have “fun” saw me abuse it most weekends for years. I felt like I “fit in” – that the “fun” version of me is what people wanted, not the smart girl who contemplates life happily sitting in her room by herself.

Dislike working in group situations, prefer to do things myself and take credit/blame for my own work than be let down by someone else.

Felt “stuck” in past relationships and have let them deteriorate until the point I had to leave, not knowing any other way. (Fight or flight – often pick flight)

Parties generally do bore me unless I can find someone good to talk to, generally won’t go to them if I can find an excuse to not go.

Always feel like I have to act “normal”. I second guess what I’m about to say often, feel a lot more comfortable around my family than I do “friends”.

I have friends, only 3 I keep in somewhat regular contact with, but I often find this interaction dull. Phone calls I often put them on loudspeaker so I can continue reading etc what I was before we started talking.

I often misinterpret other’s actions and words, I over analyse conversations to figure out what was meant, and often draw the wrong conclusions. I spend a lot of time trying to figure people out.

Communication

I find verbal communication extremely difficult when it comes to how I am feeling and what I am thinking. I find it a lot easier to type it down.

I have a very sarcastic family, and use sarcasm myself. But often I get upset when I take things literally that were meant to be a “joke”, especially if said in a serious tone.

I often point out others’ mistakes. I don’t understand why anyone would be happy being “wrong” and seemingly ignorant?

If I feel comfortable with someone I will ask them a lot of questions, especially about themselves. I like learning about people and their lives. I think this sometimes makes them uncomfortable, especially “why?” questions, I’m not meaning to question actions just curious as to why they did what they did in the situation etc.

Sometimes I have issues with “picking my audience”, some things can be said and laughed about with some people, others will get offended by the same thing.

Physiology/Neurology

I am highly sensitive. I have been able to hide this is public for a long time. One friend refers to me as “The Ice Queen” because I don’t get sad in “sad” movies. On the other hand, I cannot watch horror movies – I do not like the sensation of being “scared”. Anything with rape in it or women getting beaten makes me feel sick.

I have a very high pain threshold most of the time. I don’t like crying and I don’t like others seeing me in pain. I gave birth to my 9lb 1oz son with no pain relief, but he climbs on me and pinches my skin and it hurts – go figure.

I am very clumsy and uncoordinated. Have had broken bones because of this, literally tripped over someone’s foot at school and fractured my wrist.

I am sensitive to sound if it’s too loud, really bright lights frustrate me and I don’t like having people behind me, especially if I’m walking, I’ll slow down and let them pass.

I find it very hard to cope when my son screams and cries and whinges repetitively the same phrase.

Never have liked being hugged, but do it because that’s a social expectation. The only hugs I have liked were from my ex, he could hug me all day and it wouldn’t have bothered me. I like hugs from my son when I know they are coming, if I’m sitting down and he runs and launches himself at me with one … I can’t really describe how that feels, it’s not pleasant.

If I am going somewhere, driving, I need to know where I am going and how to get there. I rely a lot on my GPS, and maps before I had one, but I have to write down or screen shot and study the instructions first because I often miss turnoffs when I am listening to the GPS as I have trouble judging distance.

I have issues with stress, anxiety and anger.

I definitely have executive functioning difficulties. What is time management?

Am definitely sensitive to medications; especially birth control. Drink way too much caffeine. Have had issues with alcohol, haven’t had a drink for over 3 months now.

Always had sleep difficulties but being a mother I have forced myself to try and get to sleep earlier.

Physical Appearance

I definitely dress for comfort. I have no idea what’s fashionable, I try and copy others to a certain extent but certainly don’t stress over it.

I don’t like showers or baths, but I like being clean so I force myself to bathe. I don’t find showers relaxing like others do. I am hopeless at remembering to brush my teeth. My hair is very rarely brushed, just washed and tied up every few days when it’s noticeably dirty.

I sometimes get asked for ID, I’m 29.

Lifestyle

Books and the internet ARE my best friends.

I have no interest in religion, as in joining one, but theology fascinates me.

I don’t mind if I do the same thing day in day out, being a mother makes this difficult though.

Relationship Choices/Sexuality/Gender

My ex was 9 years older than me, age was never an issue, he was gorgeous inside and out as far as I was concerned.

I am hypersexual, which caused me a bit of inner conflict, as this is deemed to be a “male attribute”.

Special Interests

My special interest is learning about a topic, and learning about it until my brain feels like it is going to explode. I want all the knowledge, and when I’ve satisfied my thirst, I’m exhausted mentally and ready to learn something else.

I can hyperfocus if I am using something portable when learning, as a smoker I find I need to break for one, but if I am researching on my phone I’ll take it with me. I can get very frustrated if disturbed, so I try to limit this if I can to when my child is at school or when he is asleep.

I can sit in silence all day when my son is not at home, no tv, lights low, just relaxing with my thoughts.

I love nature, the peacefulness of it, it’s a shame its outside when I prefer to be holed up in my house. I don’t have a love for animals. It’s odd, I like to look at them, but touching their fur makes me feel ill, and their sudden movements e.g. jumping up or loud barking etc makes me very anxious. I do not like to see animals tortured or hurt however.

I’ve hoarded my life and memories. I don’t know how people don’t keep their school books from Kindergarten and their birthday cards from great grandparents? I don’t use these things for anything but I can’t throw them away.

I am constantly trying to figure myself out. I have self-help books, I troll the internet looking for answers. People don’t think I’m all that different, but I think I’m a great actor, because I feel so different. Who am I?

Emotional

I do feel things deeply, too deeply, it can wreak havoc on my mental state.

I am like a sponge for others’ emotions, if I care about you and you are upset, I feel it, and I am upset too.

Emotional pain sucks. Give me physical pain over it any day, that at least makes sense and there’s usually physical evidence of it.

Anxiety and depressive bouts – tick and tick.

So much difficulty regulating emotions, so much difficulty LABELLING emotions. I’ve developed migraines from not being able to release stress.

Often feel like I am a child trapped in an adult’s body. Why is “adulting” so easy for other adults and so hard for me?

Definitely an intense emotion person, I do fall in love hard, and god it hurts when it ends.

I’m over empathetic, I think I blur the lines between this and sympathetic. I want so badly to help people feel better I feel their pain and help them and get left with their pain. It’s hard to explain.

I’m definitely an advocate for women and mental health and I find it hard to tolerate people with “phobias” e.g. homophobia etc. We’re all people!

Personality characteristics and/or traits and abilities

I’m very introverted in real life, on the internet not so much.

Have self-esteem issues definitely.

Always seeking the truth.

Very creative, I do enjoy this part of motherhood, my son and I have created some pretty cool ‘projects” as he likes to call them.

Change can be very stressful for me.

Very very very sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism!

I prefer to do what I need to do in peace, feel a lot of pressure on me when someone is watching.

Often told I care too much what others think and do more for others than they would do for me,

I am a perfectionist in some areas, others not at all.

I do tend to be a very serious person, but have learnt to keep that part of me to myself or only engage it when appropriate.

Past and/or current mental health history

I do cry a lot without knowing why. I hate it, but feel better afterwards.

Definitely have a history of trying to understand myself, of finding answers to explain myself and why I feel different and don’t fit in as a woman.

I do have a cousin diagnosed on the Autism spectrum but there are other family members who show traits too.

Misdiagnosed Bi-Polar with Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

Diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Definitely am prone to mood swings depending on what’s going on around me externally and also internally.

Coping Mechanisms

Have abused alcohol in the past in binges to shut my mind up, self-medicating.

I do act differently in different situations with different people, I wear many masks.

Fake it, until you make it,

Do often retreat in to my bedroom and pull my heavy blanket over my head to be in the dark, sometimes cry.

I can be very avoidant if I know I’ve done the wrong thing or hurt someone accidentally.

Sixth Sense, Intuition, Psychic Abilities

I do feel other’s emotions at times if I am close with them.

I am often able to finish sentences of people who I am close to, or be thinking the same things they are – it’s odd how often that happens.

Not sure if I am an empath or not? A friend once described me as one.

Unique abilities and Strengths

I am intelligent, I do crave knowledge and love learning. I thirst for it.

Can teach myself how to do things, thank you YouTube and Google.

I do have a photographic memory I think.

I think I have a great sense of humour, a lot of people laugh, and I think it’s with me not at me.

I do philosophise about things, but if someone asks me about a topic I know about I can explain in great detail an answer, usually to the point they are bored.

Gifted in art and writing, Did well in languages at high school.

Challenges

I do sometimes find it hard to understand subtle emotion. When my ex told me he was jealous I felt awful because I hadn’t intentionally made him feel this way so I adjusted my behaviour.

I have difficulty managing emotions.

I have difficulty learning if there’s no text. I even prefer to watch movies with the subtitles on.

I have missed when men have been flirting with me at times, I think that could be a self-esteem thing, I couldn’t understand why they would?

Social chit-chat bores me. “How’s it going?” – I don’t understand this question, what exactly is “it”? What’s the appropriate response? I just say “Good thanks and you?” generally.

I do have trouble understanding what others expect of me at times, and I wonder if I’m doing enough or too much.

I am so naïve for someone who is intelligent – I call myself “Book smart and street dumb”.

I do have trouble filling out forms at times; I need to get my parents to double check them. So often I miss questions or answer them incorrectly. Frustrating. As for budgeting money, I have never been able to do it,

Empathy

I honestly think I can relate to all three types: Cognitive, Affective/Emotional, and Compassionate.

I do have an intense desire to please others and be liked by others. I do become highly distressed if I have the perception that someone does not like me or actually does not like me.

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This entry was published on July 1, 2016 at 5:33 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

8 thoughts on “Pending Assessment for Aspergers

  1. This field was intentionally left blank on said:

    You’re SO not alone. :). I’m a full-on almost-textbook Aspie (with only a handful of deviations) and what you wrote resonated a LOT with me, too. Examples: dressing for comfort, poor short-term memory but excellent long-term memory, introversion, more talkative online, books and the internet being great companions, verbal processing, etc etc. All very true.

    If the evaluators miss the fact that you’re an Aspie, too, they’re simply ignorant and should probably recuse themselves from evaluating people for Asperger’s. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Whether they say you are or not, you know that you relate to other Aspies better than NT’s, and that’s what matters. Many psychologists will tell adults that there is no reason to get evaluated unless they are looking for accommodations or disability. By now you have most likely learned what works for you in various situations, so trust your gut, and continue to reach out to the Autism community with your valuable writings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so so much!! I don’t want an evaluation for either of those reasons 😊 I’m thankful that my upcoming assessment is actually with Tania Marshall herself via Skype. I appreciate your comment 🙏😊 xx

      Like

  3. OK, there’s no point in me writing my blog since you’ve already written it for me!!! I am so grateful our paths have crossed. Note to self: be cool. Don’t get obsessed with Amy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha! I felt the same reading others’ blogs, so it appears to be completely normal (how ironic lol). And hey, I’m now a diagnosed Aspie so that’s a good sign 😉 Me too! I love relating to people and being relatable – it’s a new experience after being the opposite for most of my life 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You have said what I have been thinking about myself for a number of years, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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